A Bit Crazy

Chapter 19: Phantom Pain

I woke up way before I actually opened my eyes or made any notion to anyone I was part of reality anymore. I couldn't feel pain, I couldn't feel what I was lying on. I couldn't see light, I couldn't hear anything. I'm not even sure if I was breathing. But I was there, and I was somehow alive.
I absorbed the nothingness with gluttony, it felt so weird to be no where. And that's where I was, back in that me-shaped hole but there was no lightening or thunder or loneliness and I didn't have to do anything. I could just lie in this small spot in the world that was mine, I didn't owe anyone anything and no one was haunting me. I didn't have a name, I was just there.
It was pretty damn awesome to just be there.

Soon I did get up, time had disappeared and I didn't know how long it'd been and I never would. But there was something amazing about not knowing, about not caring if I'd made the wrong choice. Whatever I did would be good, who cares about other timelines. This guy on this timeline slept, so be it.
My eyes open to bright white light. And yes, my first through was that I had died and heaven was very accurately portrayed and I was very confused why I wasn't in hell. But after a while the world settled and it was a hospital room. Covered in yellow paint and a cross on the wall next to the tv. There was a computer next to me paused on Teen Titans which made me mentally crack a smile.
Star.
I go to yell but it felt like my spirit was floating around in my body, that the only thing binding me to this world was my eyes. After a few tries of moving, I wonder if I'd just closed my eyes I'd travel back to my mind and I'd be walking the desolate plains again for all of eternity. Or if this was normal for when an evil lizard pulls you into your own subconscious to almost kill you with a plant. I didn't care.
"Hey." I finally shout. I can't move anything but my mouth, but everything was covered in an itch. Oh well, time will move and the feeling would end.
A nurse peddles in wearing a lab coat and light blue dress, hair in a bun and glasses with a clipboard. Normal nurse stuff.
"Hello? Did you say something?" She says hopeful.
I really wish I could've rolled my eyes. "Yes."
She jumps in shock, glasses almost falling off. "Can you tell me your name?"
"Who fucking cares?" I groan. "Where's Star?"
"Star?" Her face contorts into confusion. Then her face un-contorts and nods. "You mean the blond hair girl?"
"Yeah." I go to nod, but still can't.
"She went home a few minutes ago. I can call." She leaves quickly.
"Ah great." I grumble as my soul finally calms down and relaxes into my body. I pull myself up to see I'm in a hospital gown like I expected. I take off the oxygen mask and nose thing, but leave the rest of the wires which I guess are keeping me alive. There is a big window next to me, I must be on the forth or fifth floor the view was nice, the lighting was orange on the storm clouds which caused everything to look like it was on fire. I smile, guess I'm in heaven in hell.
I glance back at the now blackened computer next to me and see my complexion. It's shitty, to say the least. I had sicken eyes and lots a bandages surrounding me. I'm glad Toffee yacked so much, Moon and Star had missed my mouth. I look down to see my left arm in a cast and my right hand very casted up. There's some Mewniman writing which I guess is a spell so I don't try to kill them again.
I sigh and count at all the bad ass scars I'm going to have. There's a lot. I grab my stomach spontaneously and I'm glad that's still there. I pull back the dress a bit to see there are huge stitches across it, and I can feel that my ribs are broken. I glance down to see my foots in an almost full legged cast, the other only has a brace.
"MARCO!" Someone screams. Star shoots through the curtain that was to my left and viscously grabs me into a hug. I scream in pain but it takes her a few counts to realize that I'm about to start to actually cry in pain and she lets go. She starts to scream about how much she missed me and how scared she was I wasn't going to wake up and how much she valued our friendship and no, she isn't mad at me for what I did and yes, she is sorry for hurting me but "ya know, Toffee was trying to kill us so I'm sorry you have to suffer in cast but this was life and death and-" that sorta stuff.
I smile slightly when she finished, but I'm very tired and bored.
She drops to a knee spontaneously and stares into my eyes with fear and I stare back with boredom. Her hair was in pigtails and she wore a simple red, tshirt dress and converse. She was also covered in a few gashes, nothing as major as me. Her arms in a sling and she had a scar that reaches across her nose. Her hands are covered in Hello Kitty bandages, pretty cute I guess.
"What?" I finally say.
She exhales. "I'm just making sure it was you."
"Who else would it be?" I say half-heartedly and the room resorts back to silence.
"A-Are you... Okay?" She finally mutters.
I give are a glare back. My mind snaps as my heart jolts and it takes a few seconds for my breathing to calm down.
"That was weird." I mutter as I look at my magically-casted hand. "I wasn't acting like myself, but I didn't even notice."
"Marco?" Star bends down to catch my eye.
"It's fine." I lie. My heart felt like it was trying to calm down but my breathing wouldn't let it. My skin was on edge, I was extreme paranoid. My head filled up with a slick voice spouting insults with a poison tongue. I concentrate on blocking that out more than calming myself down. I can hear the heart monitor go off and I sense a doctor had entered the premises. He yells something and I shift uncomfortably.
"Just go away." I shout in my head. "I beat you it's over just go away!"
"Marco..." Star puts her hand on my leg cautiously. "You need to calm down."
"I'm sorry." I ignore the voice and take a deep breath. "I'm f-" I don't finish. Star excuses herself with the doctor.
I calm myself down enough but I don't think I'm ready for the dreaded question of 'What happened' yet. I search my head for something to ask, but everywhere I turn there is a wall. I can't speak to her, oh gosh I can't talk to Star anymore. What I'm I going to say I tried to kill her family! And her!
She renters with a cup of water and I nearly jump out of my skin. My heart pulls me back and calms itself down. Don't freak out... Just be careful.
"How- How long was I out?" I stammer. Stupidest question ever, who cares.
"Twenty nine days." She answers without hesitation as she peers out the window. "You missed the end of school."
"Hey Star?"
"Hm?"
"I don't care." I force a small, light laugh with a smile.
She returns the smile. "I'm glad you're okay."
Pause.
"I'm... not." I say finally as I look away. "Far from it, actually. And I don't want to lie to you anymore."
"Hey." She catches my eyes again. "You'll heal."
"No." I clutch my heart. "I won't. Not completely."
Her eyes dance with tears. "I'll help you then."
"I..." Sighing, I let go of my gown. "Have you ever heard of phantom pain?"
She shakes her head no.
"It usually happen with amputees. They can still feel pain and itches on there arm or leg that is no long there. It's like a coping mechanism for the body to deal with the severed nerves."
"And?"
"Star there's a part of me missing." I confess. "A part I don't know if I'll ever get back."
"And that part is...?" She gestures for me to continue.
"I don't remember what it's like to be human. All my emotions were taken away I was put through some killer torture and I hurt people and I... I forgot what it means to be me. To be around other people. To be an actual physical person. I don't know how to talk to you." I let the words tumble out of my mouth, which in hindsight never has worked for me in the past but...
"Hey." She stares at me. "You're doing fine. No one expected you to wake up at all, truthfully."
"I didn't." I state truthfully. "I expected to be dead when I woke up." Suddenly, I begin to chuckle about my comment which folds itself into a full out laughter. I grab the mattress to keep me grounded. My eyes are stitched shut as I keep laughing with a full stomach. The whole expectation that everything wasn't going to work out, I didn't have to think like that anymore. I truly didn't, and that's marvelous.
"What?" Star finally says.
I calm down quickly. "I'm such an idiot."
"Huh?" She raises an eyebrow.
I smile at her. "Just some phantom pain."
She was confused but flashed a smile and we shared a slight laughter.
"You know..." I dread each word but force myself to keep talking. "The reason this all started was because I was scared you were going to leave for Mewni and never come back, you'd never miss me."
"Really?" She chuckles. "You are an idiot."
"I am." I confess. "But not really about this. I want to have meant something to you. I want to be with you for as long as possible. Cause everything ends, time catches up to every little detail of your life. And I don't want it to come by surprise."
"I will be going back and forth to Mewni to cover the damages-" she stops herself and coughs awkwardly. "But Imma still live here. We have summer plans, and I'm not missing them for the world."
I really wanted to say 'You may not have a choice.' But I didn't. Because that didn't matter. What mattered is that I'm here, right now with her.
And that's all I care about.

HAHAHAHAHAHA IF ONLY S2 ENDED LIKE THIS STORY DIS WITH STAR SAYING OH SHIT WHOS EXCITED FOR THE MOVIE BTW!?
ANYWAYS 1 MORE TO GO!
IM UPDATING FAST CAUSE IM GONNA BE BUSY FOR LIKE THE NEXT TWO MONTHS OR SO STARTING IN A WEEK SO I WANNA GET THIS DONE
SO YEAH
BTW MARCOS PARENTS ARE FIIIIINE. THEY WERE JUST HOME WHILE STAR WAS IN THE LOBBY.

OKAY BYEEEEE

WOLFIE SAWYER [also listen to Heathers a shit ton oops]