Lonely Hearts (Porter Robinson Fanfiction)

Loneliness (Part 1)

so sorry for the wait! this weekend was my birthday and i hate lots of things planned and i've also had lots of soccer games. i hope everyone's had a good week :)

"I hate sounding needy," I said as we walked into Pacha. "But I think we should stay close together or things would be kinda bad for me."
"Yeah, I understand completely. I wasn't gonna leave you anyway." Porter smiled softly, his arm traveling around my waist as he nudged me gently. I exhaled, feeling his warm fingers through my shirt. We walked into the club, the thudding bass the only thing being heard, throngs of people dancing together and fists pumping in the air. It was around 9 already, and the club was surprisingly pretty full.
"I love this song!" Tess exclaimed to Anton, grabbing his hand and running off with him, quickly being lost in the crowd of people. Porter grinned, leading me to the bar. "You want something?"
"Just get me a vodka." I smiled, sitting up on the seat. Porter told the bartender our drinks, and he began to fix them.
"I'm glad I'm here with you," I said quietly. "I know this is a weird time to say this, but I'm really glad I have you, as a friend."
I stuttered over the last few words, not necessarily sure what to call the two of us. Sure, we were friends, but we seemed so much closer than that. Not a couple, as much as I'd wish, but friends with a certain type of tenderness that people don't normally have.
"Me too," He said, looking over at me. His face was impassive, but I could tell of one thing. He didn't seem to find my words strange, he just seemed to be glad.
The bartender slid two glasses over to us, and I began to take long sips of the vodka, feeling its strong taste in my mouth. Porter was looking out in the crowd, taking small sips of his drink. He was focused on something in front of us, but I couldn't tell what it was.
I looked in his direction, searching the crowd for the object of Porter's interest. "What are you staring at?" I asked curiously.
He motioned toward the stage. "I'm looking at the DJ up there. He's pretty good, but I don't know who he is. The music is absolutely incredible though, I've never heard it before."
Glancing up towards the back of the club, I tried to look over the heads that obstructed my view, trying to get a clear image of the DJ.
"I think I have. It sounds familiar." Suddenly, the name of the artist came into my head, and I knew exactly who it was. "It's Disclosure!"
Porter's face, which was deep in thought, relaxed. "Oh, I've heard of them! Two guys, right?"
I nodded. "This songs called F For You. It used to be my favorite song awhile back, its a great song to dance to."
I took the last sip of my drink, leaving only a few drops at the bottom of the class, and stood up.
Porter looked at me, bewildered. "Where are you going?" He began to stand up as well, taking a few last swallows of his drink before setting it beside mine on the counter.
"To dance," I said, trying to hold in the anxiety rushing through my system. My heart pounded at the mere thought of being in between so many people, but I wanted so badly to just be normal with Porter. I wanted to be able to dance and do things with him that he wanted to do, and to not be scared of things as simple as this.
"Are you sure?" He looked at me, a concerned expression taking over his features.
"Positive," I said. taking a big breath, and exhaling the nerves threatening to ruin my decision.
He slid his hand into mine. "Alright, if you want to. But stay close to me, alright? Don't go away." His words were filled with care, and my heart warmed at his concern for me.
"I don't think I'd be able to." I chuckled, and began to pull him into the crowd with him.
I tried to obviate my nerves, but I couldn't stop the sweat from making my hands clammy in Porter's. He squeezed it, and I began to relax a little, finding a spot that wasn't too badly surrounded by people.
The beat reverberated throughout the large building, and the sound took out any other, leaving the place devoid of voices and silence. The two of us danced to the beat, losing ourselves in the drawn-out drops and stable bass. Porter was beyond amusing to watch dancing, I tried to fight off laughter at seeing him awkwardly pound his fist in the air and move with the beat. I could tell he was happy to be with me by the look in his eyes and extra life in his movements. I was content being with him too. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else here, in all honesty.
Express Yourself by Diplo came on later, after Disclosure played many of their own songs. They transitioned into an absolutely incredible DJ set that I was losing myself in, the music taking over my body and movements. I danced around, waiting for the beat drop and listening to Nicky Da B's fast rapping along to the music. "Porter!" I called, grinning and turning around to dance with him. My eyes settled on nothing.
I swallowed, trying to keep calm and not let my emotions get the best of me. He was most likely in the bathroom, it was nothing to be worried over. Right? He's around here somewhere. He wouldn't leave me.
I decided to turn around and head in the direction of the bar and bathroom. Fighting through thick groups full of people dancing and paying no mind to me, I soon ended up at my destination. The bar was empty, save a middle-aged man chugging a beer.
"Porter?" I called out, searching for the familiar dark brown locks above the heads in the crowd.
And then I spotted him. Surrounded by a group of girls, Porter was talking to them while they seemed to be flirting incessantly, their too tight dresses and overly done makeup made it clear they only had one reason to be here.
I swallowed, trying to decide if I should walk over there or stay here. Porter didn't seem to mind the girls, instead bearing a large smile and charming them.
Disappointment welled inside of me, and I tried to hide it and failed horribly. Why was I even here? Sure, it was Tess's birthday, but she didn't want me here. She was off with her soon-to-be boyfriend, probably off making out in a corner. And here I was, alone again.
Not to even mention Porter, who had abandoned me for some girls, who were pretty to some guys, but probably had the brain of a jellyfish.
I clenched my fist, holding back tears, and letting the loneliness consume me again. My nails pressed into my hand, most likely leaving indents in my skin. I turned around and made my way to the door.
----------------------------------
After getting out on the street, I shrugged my coat around my shoulders, just skimming my thighs. So much for this stupid dress. So much for this stupid night, and this stupid makeup that me and Porter spent an hour putting on, just to make me seem more like a normal girl.
And then I let the tears fall.
I was so sick, so sick of being alone and not being chosen by the people who I loved. I wanted to be people's first choice. I wanted to be the person that people came to for advice, that people came to to have a good time with. I didn't want to be in solitude anymore.
I wiped my eyes on my coat, surprised to find black smears on it. I probably had mascara trails down my face. How unfortunate.
The streets were somewhat empty, only with a few drunk teens walking back from parties and hangouts with friends. I walked alone, bracing myself against the cold.
"Alexa!"
A voice called into the wind.
"Alexa! Wait up."
I didn't want to turn around. He left me no choice though; he caught up to me and spun me around.
"They were fans. I didn't want to leave you, I swear. Just listen to me."
I stood in place, my face impassive.
He looked deeply at the messy makeup upon my cheeks, and his face sank.
"Oh god. I'm so sorry, Alexa. I didn't mean to make you upset. Please hear me out. I just didn't want to disappoint them."
I looked at my shoes.
"Listen to me."
He grabbed my chin softly, and tilted it up to his face.
"I really, really care about you. I hope you know that, regardless of what you saw. Because I do. And I don't wanna see you get hurt. I'm sorry."
I looked into his eyes, and saw nothing but concern.
And so I sank into his welcoming embrace, feeling his arms around my sides, squeezing me and letting me know that he was still here.