unexpected

twenty three

i haven't left my dads side since i've been home. i don't want to leave him because he could go any second. that's how bad of condition he is in.

"how do you like living with cameron?" he asked me.

"i like it. it's exciting i guess because everyday is an adventure." i shrugged not really knowing how to answer that.

"well i'm glad you like it because i want you to start getting used to it."

"what do you mean i should start getting used to it?" i questioned with a confused look on my face.

"kylie, honey, it's time for me to go. i'm lucky to be sitting her right now talking to you. but i can't keep fighting for much longer." he sighed.

"dad no. we have so many more memories to make you can't just decide to leave you have to keep fighting. hold on a little longer." i said as my eyes teared up.

"we have some great memories together. and i want you to cherish those. please don't get upset about this right now. get some sleep. i love you kyles. please don't forget that." he whispered.

"i love you too. goodnight dad" little did i know that would be my last conversation with my dad.

he died in the middle of the night at 3:25 exactly. the doctors did all they could but he just couldn't fight anymore.

when all the doctors came rushing in i didn't know what to do. everything was a big nightmare.

i didn't even know who to call because i couldn't even get anything into words.

this didn't seem real to me.

i picked up my phone and called the first person who came to mind. cameron.

he didn't answer on the first call but he did answer on the third one.

"kylie what's wrong? are you okay? why aren't you asleep?" he asked me so many questions.

but the only thing i could answer with was, "he's gone and i don't know what to do or how to feel." i could barely say.

"kylie oh my god no. i am so sorry. i wish i could be there with you right now. i know how you are feeling and-"

"no i don't know how to feel. this doesn't seem real." i stopped talking when i could feel the tears coming.

"kylie it's going to be okay i promise. everything will get better."

•

cameron stayed on the phone with me and talked me through everything until it was time for him to go perform.

then he made his sister come get me. she took my back to cameron's place. i had to pack a bag because we had to go back to Arizona.

the visitation and funeral were going to be held there in a few days.

the car ride was pretty quiet. i had my ear buds in but i wasn't listening to music. i didn't want anyone to talk to me but i couldn't bring myself to listen to any music. every lyric i heard reminded me of my dad.

occasionally, during the car ride back, i would get texts from people saying sorry and that they are here if i needed them. or i would just start crying silently.

i couldn't fall asleep because he was the only thing on my mind. it was my fault. it was my fault. it was my fault. that was the only thing i could tell myself.

if i didn't leave to go to the bathroom then he wouldn't have stopped fighting. he waited until i left the room to go. why did i leave? of course this is my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fucking fault. my fault. no one else's but mine.

i didn't realize that i had been hitting myself until sierra started screaming.

there had been a bruise forming on my leg from how hard i was hitting myself and i think it scared her.

"i-i'm sorry" i said as a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

she just sighed and pulled me in for a hug. i tried not to cry and get tears on her clothes but i just couldn't help it.

"i'll get your bags. go on inside and see gina" she pulled away from the hug. i didn't even realize we were here.

i just nodded and followed her directions. gina gave me a hug as i walked inside and asked me all the usual questions
"are you okay?"
"how are you holding up?"
"is there anything i can do?"