Last wishes

1. Sickness

These Four Walls- Little Mix

Roslyn- Bon Iver & St. Vincent

Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots

Terrible Things- Mayday Parade

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"Kassie, we just want to make this as comfortable as we can." The doctor tries to help. Instead I lash out because what else can I do?

"Comfortable? What? Me dying? Either way it will not be comfortable because I will be dying. You've told me I have about a year to live and you want to make me as comfortable as possible?" I say out of anger.

I know what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense. I feel tears of my mixed emotion spill to my cheeks. I just want to go to my room, actually I'd like to be anywhere else but here. I can't and I have to decide what I want to do.

The doctor suggests going to school like normal, but that's the problem. I won't be normal because I am sick and I have no friends. I'd rather be at home with people who actually recognize me than those people at school.

Instead of trying to negotiate I run up to my room and slam the door. My bed catches me as I sit back amd breath deeply for a for a few moments. My breathing goes back to normal and I crawl beneath my blankets.

"What help would it be to finish my last year of high school, then to die?" I cry into my pillow. Its been two days since my trip at the beach but it feels like an eternity. I just want to stay home. No one at school talks to me, so why would it change now? Because I have cancer? No, I refuse to let them pity me. I've gone to school with those people for two years and they haven't given me a speck of attention so I would like to keep like that. A knock startles my thoughts. I know its my mom but I don't speak. The door opens and I sit towards the wall. I know she wants to talk to me but I know if I talk to her now I will snap at her.

"Kas? Hey, I'm sorry. None of us know what you're going through unless you tell us. Dr. Frank didn't mean to upset or offend you." She says from behing my back. I feel tears forming as well as guilt.

My mother places her hand on my shoulder amd tries to comfort me. Instead of running I turn to her, and hug her like there's no tomorrow.

"Mommy, I'm just scared." I mumble into her shoulder. The tears leave dark spots on her light pink cardigan.

"I know, so am I." She whispers into my hair.

***

"Kas, I want you to know that I love you so much. I can't though." He whispers through the phone.

"W-what do you mean?" My voice breaks, I already know what he means.

"I can't go through this. I'm so sorry." He says into the phone. I can tell he's crying but me, I'm dying. Heart, body and soul. Dying.

"I'm sorry." I whisper and hang up.

This is all my fault.

I wouldn't have to put my now ex-boyfriend through this. I frown and cry into my arm the knitted pattern of my sweater pushing into my cheek.

Instead of becoming a big ball of sobs on the couch I slowly walk through the empty house to my room. I pull out my headphones and place them over my head. Music fills my ears as I begin cry more.

The strumming of guitar soothes only my tense muscles. The ripping in my heart is only other thing I hear. My favorite quilt it pulled over my body.

I fall into a sob induced sleep.

***

When I wake my body is stiff and sore. Worn out.