Alone

How I Really Feel....

Ryder's POV.

   The morning breeze blew my hair back, making me a little chilly. I shove my hands in my pockets, and stare up at the trees. I take a deep breath, then continue my walk through the woods.

   The sun wasn't too high because it was so early in the morning. I cut off from the path, then take a turn through the weeds near a big tree. I walk into the small opening that I am very familiar with.

   I stop in the middle of the clearing where her grave was.

Amelia Kent

Summer of 2015

May she Rest In Peace.

   I lay down the blue flowers, just like I do every morning. They were her favorite. Sometimes I wish that I did this for her even when she was still alive. A girl as beautiful and nice as her deserves it. I sit down by her grave.

   "You were absolutely the best sister anybody could ask for, and I was lucky enough to have you, " I say, looking at her grave. "You were always so positive and there for me when nobody was. Even when I kept pushing you away. I just wish-" my voice cracks and I burry my head in my hands. There's a huge lump in my throat, but I need to tell her this, even if she can't hear it.

   "I just wish I told you that I loved you and reminded you how special you were everyday. I wish you knew how much I really loved it when you stayed with me, even when I kept pushing you away. Why didn't I just hug you and tell you that? Why did I always push you away?" I sob into my hands, my tears falling freely. I grab my hair and pull it hard, out of frustration.

   "Why you? Why not me? I'm the one that deserved it! Out of all the people in the world to get freaking cancer, why the f*ck was it you?!? You didn't deserve it! You didn't freaking deserve it!!" I scream, choking on my sobs.

   If I could just turn back time, somehow find out before it got bad. Just have one more day with her. I would do anything to have her back. Or for her to take my place. Im the one that deserves to die, not her.

   Does anyone know what it's like to feel a pain deep in your chest, and it hurts so bad, and you just want something so bad. It's like I'm begging to turn back time, to change things, but I can't. It's the worst feeling when you can't do anything about it. It feels like someone is just ripping out my heart and soul. I ache from the inside out, and there is no cure for it.

Except maybe there is?

   I could so easily end this all, end all this pain. I think about this everyday. But I don't deserve it. I don't deserve the luxury to be pain free. But I am so tempted...

Does anyone know what it's like to want to just end all this pain?

   Nobody knows though. Nobody knows how deeply I hurt everyday. I need to carry this burden alone, because I deserve it. I deserve every ounce of pain I get. But I'll still smile everyday, but I will not allow myself to feel happiness. I don't deserve that. I'm only smiling for everyone else, to make them happy.

I just wish I could have made her happy.

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I bet you guys didn't expect that! He hides his feelings very well...but even the happiest people have secrets. Please comment if you want more chapters on Ryder, because they isn't his only secret...does anyone else wonder where his parents are during all this? Comment and vote! I will be updating tomorrow! Love y'all! <3