Moonstruck Lullaby

Tongue Tied

"Bright cold silver moon...tonight alone in my room...you were here just yesterday...slight turn of the head...eyes down when you said...I guess I need my life to change...seems like something's just aren't the same...what could I say?"

I've discovered that I really cant abstain myself from writing. Its been some days since I've last written anything. Its like, if I don't write then all thoughts are been accumulated in my mind to the point where it might explode. Writing them down kind of calms me, in a way, because as I write the words, my mind refreshes so I don't feel like I have the weight of the world in my shoulders, if that makes any sense.

Anyhow, this days I'm not even sure of what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling. Its all messed up...I feel weird, like a little bit of everything, which is worse. Its better to say I'm sad, for example, because its just that. Sad. And you can actual explain why you feel that way. But whenever you don't know what you're feeling, you kind of, push together all the damn feelings and you have what's called a terrible mess. 

Right now, I'm feeling...chill/relaxed, confused, not happy but not really sad either (like 60/40), tired but of somethings other than sleep (could be even of myself), moody (but that Ig I always am), angry/mad (dunno if at myself or at how everything happens in the world)...I think there's more but I don't know how to explain myself for real...

So Idk, I think that whenever you feel like this, is when youre numb...cuz you don't really know what youre feeling but you do know there's hella lot going on inside you. I just don't know how to put it in words..which is ironic. 

*

"I need a little more luck than a little bit
Cuz every time I get stuck the words won't fit
And every time that I try I get tongue tied
I'll need a little good luck to get me by"

I'm not even sure of who I'm writing to anymore...because you're not the same guy I fell in love with last year. For some weird reason, I'm still a bit attached, not as much as before but youre still on my mind. Stupid songs keep reminding me of you, unfortunately. You're screwing my playlists and you don't even know it. The worst thing is that I really like these songs.

"I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
Cuz every time that I try I get tongue tied 
I need a little good luck to get me by this time"

Its funny how...my tiny room terrace is opened and I look at the city all day long, and can't help but think that you're part of it. And I'm part of it too, but you and me... we're not part of each other. And youre there, somewhere, behind houses and traffic lights, probably playing guitar or listening to music and talking to your mates, minding your own business, creating your own life. Funny how I'm still thinking in someone who's 50% unknown to me...but I know that no one changes..not fully..not 100%...there's still a percent in you that I still know...maybe not recognize anymore but still, it has to be there, somewhere, hidden behind your life organ. I know I still know you. Could be 1% I don't  care, but the guy I met isn't fully gone. Even though you say that to yourself. Someday it will reappear I know it, and you'll hate it..but it will. I may not be there when it does, but I'll still feel it deep inside me (kind of like a parabatai thing but not really cuz it cant be one-sided). 

"I stare up at the stars and
I wonder just where you are
You feel a million miles away
(I wonder just where you are)
Was it something I said?
Or something I never did?
Or was I always in the way?
Could someone tell me what to say to just make you stay?" 

You know, being open-minded helps at times..it makes you see things differently. I'm starting to see you differently...not as the courageous guy who thought I was a princess and was willing to tear the dragon apart (which could've been the walls I had up inside me) to get to my heart. I don't see you as the guy who was my best friend and who I could always count on and who always promised to be there for me. I remember this time, you pranked me or something...and you said "I'm sorry but its time for you to leave my life"...and I said "what?" and it was late so you went to sleep without telling me it was a joke. I think I had a heart attack that night. In the morning you were like "Ily kid" and never in my life I wanted to punch someone as I wished to punch you. It was a joke back then, and even though I felt it was true that night, I didn't think that a year from then you would actually mean it.