Love Me Again

Cause I Know I Been Living In Pain

So here is the eighteenth chapter.

Just a little warning: this chapter contains mention of extreme depression and even suicide so if you are triggered by that stuff then you've been warned.

Anyway, I hope you like the chapter.

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Song: I Don't Wanna Live Forever- Zayn Malik ft. Taylor Swift

Natalia's POV:

It had been four days since Andre left. Four days of sulking locked away in my room. I got up from my bed and saw the mess around me. There were empty bottles strewn everywhere. Cigarette ash all over the carpet. My phone lay on the bed. There were missed calls from Andre, Alyssa, and Nicole. I hadn't bothered picking up any of the calls. I just wanted to be alone. 'Alone with Ryder on your mind.' Whenever my conscience said something like that I downed another bottle of alcohol. The taste of alcohol was becoming something I was used to. My throat no longer burned as I downed the entire bottle. It almost started tasting bland.

I hadn't slept in four days. I hadn't eaten anything. I hadn't taken my meds. All I did was recall all the painful memories which I kept locked away for four years. The day when my dad went to jail, the day Ryder kissed Susan, the day I slit my wrists, the day my grandfather kicked me out, the day Hunter died. I was reliving all of the pain, all over again. And it hurt. A lot. It made me feel pathetic. Like I had no purpose at all. No one wanted anything to do with me. Why was I still alive? 

I walked over to my vanity mirror. Correction: I stumbled to my vanity mirror. The girl staring back was nothing like Natalia. She was weak with pale skin. She had huge bags under her eyes. Her eyes were dull grey. That's not Natalia. Natalia had blue-green eyes. She had tanned skin. The girl staring back looked dead. 'She is dead. Inside and out.' I let out a scream before throwing the bottle in my hand at the mirror. I heard glass breaking. The bottle had shattered into tiny pieces. There was a giant crack on the mirror. The glass broke just like I had.

'You like him, Natalia.' ' You're not over him.' 'You're still hurting.' 'You haven't moved on.' The words kept coming. The voices wouldn't leave.

"I DON'T LIKE HIM. I DON'T. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE." I screamed out, before falling to my knees. I didn't feel the glass prick my knees. I didn't feel anything. I felt numb. I felt dead. But it didn't stay that way for long. I closed my eyes. I could feel everything all over again. The way I felt when he was near me. The way I felt when he looked at me. The way I felt when he kissed me. The way I felt when he called me babe. What did I feel? What did I want to feel? Did I want to feel anything at all?

' You know you could end all of this pain and suffering.' Sometimes I wished my conscience was a real person so I could kill it. 'Hmmm.... what reminds you of killing? Hunter. He died because of you!' Now my own conscience was accusing me.

"I didn't mean it. I would've done anything to keep him alive. Please stop. I didn't want him to die." I choked out. I grabbed another bottle of vodka. I tried forgetting everything. It wasn't working. I had another joint. It wasn't working. ' You know what would work? Slitting your wrists. Exactly like the last time. It made you forget right?'

I looked at my hands. There was blood on them. I must have cut myself with the glass. The blood was a deep dark red color. I could feel the blood rushing in my veins. I looked at my wrists. I looked at my scars. 'It won't take long.' What did I have to lose? I had already lost everything. I sat there contemplating. My back was against the wall, my legs against my chest.

'Okay how about a shot to the head? It'll be less painful. But it would be messy.' I shook the thought from my mind. No Natalia. Stay away from guns, Natalia. You know what they did to Hunter.

'Then you could swallow a couple of sleeping pills. That would do the job too. You do need sleep. I nice peaceful slumber.' I looked at the pills on my side table. They were too far away for me to reach. I was too tired to get up.

'Then there's one last option Natalia. Grab a shard of glass and go for it. Can't you feel the blood waiting to be let out?' I moved towards the broken glass. I felt the blood flowing through my veins. I could feel my pulse. I grabbed a big piece. I got up. I held it against my wrist. I could still see my reflection in the mirror.

"DON'T DO IT NATALIA! YOU WON'T SURVIVE! YOU SURVIVED ONCE BUT YOU WON'T SURVIVE AGAIN! YOU WON'T SURVIVE!" My reflection screamed back at me. My breathing got caught in my throat. My hands were shaking. I couldn't do it. My eyes were watering. I dropped the glass. I was suffocating. The room was closing in on me.

I grabbed my phone and ran out of the room. I ran out of the house. I got in my car and started driving. I had to get as far away as I could from that place. I kept driving. I had no destination. I just kept going. I needed help. 'Call me when you're mature enough to understand when you need help' I recalled Andre's words. I should call him. I scrolled through my contacts. I couldn't see anything. Everything was a haze. A blur. None of the words made sense. I pressed a random number. It was one a.m. He would be asleep. I waited for a couple of seconds. The bell kept going. Finally, someone picked up.

"Hello? Natalia?" The person asked confusedly. He sounded like he had just woken up. But he didn't sound like Andre. At all. My eyes went wide. Shit. I looked at who I had called. It was Ryder. My eyes fell on the date. It was 19 December. It was his birthday today.

"Hey, Ryder. Happy fucking birthday." I said before laughing. He was silent.

"Are you drunk?" He asked me. I couldn't sense any emotion in his voice. I giggled. For some reason, his voice calmed me. Maybe I was relieved to hear any other voice. I was breathing normally again.

"And high. All at the same time baby!" I said all too enthusiastically. Drunk Natalia was kicking in now.

"Are you driving?" He asked me.

"How did you know?" I asked him with furrowed eyebrows. Was he outside? I looked out to see nothing but trees passing by. I didn't know where I was.

"I can hear the engine. Natalia, what speed are you at?" He asked me. I looked over at the meter. I could make out 100.

"I see one and two zeroes. That means I'm going way too slow right?" I asked him.

"No, Natalia. Stop where ever you are. Stop the fucking car right now." He said in a dangerously low tone. I slowed down and stopped.

"Where are you? I'm coming to get you." He said strictly. He wasn't going to take no for an answer, was he? I was in no position to argue with him.

"I don't know. I'm lost." I heard him cursing underneath his breath.

"Send me your location using your phone. You know that 'send your location' option? Send it to me." He said.

"You're a fucking genius, Ryder," I said happily.

"I'm going to hang up now, but as soon as I do you're going to send me your location. And keep the doors locked until you see me. Okay?" He said.

"Okay." Was all I said before he hung up. I did exactly as he said. I just sat there in the car. It was really fucking cold. Soon the exhaustion took a toll on me and I blacked out.

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So that was the eighteenth chapter.

Hit me with your insults, I'm waiting.

Anyway if you liked the chapter then don't forget to Vote, Comment and Share.

Byeee.