Wattpad Trolls Unmasked

Homey Don't Go Dat Way

There is nothing like receiving follows and personal messages due to the amazing photo that one uses as their profile picture. I have personally received hundreds stating that I have beautiful eyes, my hair is gorgeous, and that I have an amazing smile. If I thank them for their compliment, I usually get a response of, "Are you married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?" And get this, they're all of the female persuasion. WTF?

Listen here, my sweet, little lily lickers. Homey don't go dat way! 

I have no problem with any sexual orientation that you choose or are born with, but nowhere on my homepage do I state that I am bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, heterosexual or asexual. Even though I like it doggy style does not mean I am into bestiality, unless it is of the hot werewolf type. I'm team Jacob all the way, and I would rock his world (sorry, I got off track). My homepage depicts my love for writing, and that is it in a nutshell.

Here are some questions to all of the young ones out there with the aspirations of hooking up on Wattpad. How do you know that my fat, pimply, cellulite covered ass isn't sitting in my computer chair, which is squealing under the duress of my weight, just waiting for some lonely sap to personal message me due to my hot, fake profile pic? Are you sure that I do not have the Wattpad nation fooled, and really I am a hairy, greasy, lives in his mother's basement, old man with a comb-over that is waiting for some sweet, young, lonely teenager to shower him with attention and stroke his ego, literally (he does live in his mother's basement, and I bet she knows to knock)?

If you want to meet someone, go outside and socialize. At least that way you may know and see what you're getting. I am only protecting the stupid here. Stick with me, kids, and I will pull you through this hormonal shithouse that you are inhabiting. 

Now, to all of those using your actual picture. What the hell is wrong with you? Are you looking for attention? And if you're not getting any, you may want to change that pic. Apparently, it's not working for you; mine just happens to work too well.

Please, please, please do not use Wattpad as your personal Tinder as you look for love in all the wrong places (that's a song). If I were your mother, I would whoop your horny little ass until it was red and swollen, resembling that of a baboon's. Scratch that—there are creeps on WP that are into that too.

You do not need to boast of your sexuality under the comments on my book as if you are throwing the bait out and hoping to hook a keeper. You may receive more than you are fishing for; you could reel in a four-hundred-pound tuna (that smell will never go away).

So, to all of those unlucky in love: you are not going to find the "one" on Wattpad. This site is for authors and readers. Let's keep it clean, Wattpaders.

P.S. If you have any requests, ship them our way. We love hearing from you and will do everything in our power to touch on every sticky situation that Wattpaders run into. Can't wait to hear from you. Don't worry, we don't bite too hard.