Wattpad Trolls Unmasked

Please, Tell Me I'm Psychic

Good Lord, if I have to do one more read4read that ends as I had guessed after reading the first paragraph, I will pull my hair out strand by strand until I am as bald as a hairless pussycat(ugly bastards). Believe me, I have a big honker and could never pull this look off.

Countless times, I have offered to read a book that promises twists and turns within every chapter. Who wouldn't want to stand on the "Cliff of Hangers" knowing that it all could change with a turn of the page? Most of the time this is not the case, though.

Predictable writing 101 at your service, folks. Every author needs to take this class, and it's too bad for most that it doesn't exist.

The first lesson is to be subtle as you lead up to the big plot twist that sends your readers into a frenzy. Don't dump it all out there, leaving nothing for the fans to guess and work out on their own. We all love to engross ourselves in a book or movie and try to come to the right conclusion on how it will end(So don't ruin it for us). Allow us to feel that we are on the right track and then blow us away by proving us wrong.

Drop sly hints for your loyals to grasp or miss. Hey, they may have to go back and read again which isn't a bad thing. Add small details that most may pass over if not paying attention; these minuscule tidbits will all add up in the end for the grand finale. Blow them away with your cleverness.

Be sneaky and lead your followers on the wildest goose chase of their lives. Guide them down paths, into ravines, up hills, and finally over the cliff as they scream that they didn't see that coming. The fun of the game is to keep them guessing.

A breadcrumb trail is a must when setting up your plots and ploys. Slowly but surely you scatter those delicious, tasty bites of hints and persuasions (God, I need to get off the Atkin's diet) along the treacherous trail of intrigue that you have paved. Those fat little Hansels and Gretels will pick those morsels up and shove them into their chipmunk cheeks quicker than Sloth eats a Baby Ruth in the Goonies (again, dieting here). I promise that they will fail to grasp where you are indeed leading their fat asses as they gorge on your drama-filled scenes.

Now, there has to be a reason for everything. For a great plot twist to occur, you have to know ahead of time what motivated a character into turning the tables. Make their reasoning unique to the character who is pulling the wool over the reader's eyes. By justifying the "why" of the twist, your readers will forgive you (I hope).

What I find most alarming is when there is no conclusion. Did you bring your followers to their end destination? How would you like to pay for a train ride to nowhere? You can leave something open if you want, but you have to finish the story with a climactic finish (make their jaw drop, stating, "Holy shit! That is ingenious!"). I know you love your characters and want the story to go on and on and on but end it already. The worst thing you can do is bore your fans as they wait and pray for your drivel to end.

Recently, I have read a few that have had me banging my head against my laptop (those things are expensive to have the jammed keys fixed. Believe me). Wanting to flee the scene before I commit Wattpad homicide(yes, that means I am planning "your" death), I endure and read on, drinking Redbull and vodka to make it easier to stay awake(In other words, riding the drunk, red bull. I like me a ginger).

I have been lured in by very talented authors who never seem to make a grammatical error. But low and behold, many have no idea how to move a story along. Long, drawn-out chapters of the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over again(get my drift?), bring tears to my eyes and a fire to my belly (that means diarrhea and not whatever your thinking). I may be trying to lose fat here, but liquid stool shooting out your brown-eyed Susan is not a fun way to shed a few pounds (that shit burns).

If you promise me twists and turns, you had better bring it. Yes, when I begin showering your chapters with emojis and one-word comments you may want to go back and reassess your storyline. When I stop correcting my spelling errors while typing these sweet messages, the author should get the clue: I'm bored, kill me now, or I may have to slit my wrists.

To all of you lovely storytellers out there, heed my advice and save a life. Your readers deserve more than death by butter knife due to your 80 chapters of "I need a nap Hell" leading up to your anticlimactic "that's it?" ending of putrid proportions. So, sharpen their knife or hand them a noose if you plan on continuing down the train tracks leading to nowhere.