Wattpad Trolls Unmasked

Judging Like A Boss

As many of you know, I judge a lot of contests for some stupid reason. Lately, a lot of people have started to ask me about my judging process, or some shit they keep calling, "rubric" or "rubix." And quite frankly, I am getting really tired of explaining to everyone that I don't use a Rubix cube to come up with winners. The reason being, that would be way too much work. Just trying to remember which story goes to what color and then.. whatever. So, I thought why not just share the wealth and explain how a highly trained judge goes about their business.

~ 10 Steps to Story Success~

My 10 step process works something like this...

1. Sobriety sucks.

Rule: Never write shit or judge stuff sober. (The Hemingway rule.)

Judgment day has finally reared its ugly head once more. All the entries are in, and it's time to start judging shit again. So, I start slow drinking around noon, usually cheap beer. By about three o'clock when I have sucked down at least sixer, I move on to a few tequila shots. Four or five shots in about five minutes seem to really do the trick to get me motivated to judge some shit.

Then I smoke a lot of weed to un-motivate—you know for just the right balance of brilliance. And by a lot of weed, I mean like a Cheech and Chong big fatty, full of the dankest bomb ass bud I can find. All to reach what I like to call, "The Zone of Zero Shits to Give." Only once that perfect blend has been achieved, do I then feel judgemental enough to begin making judgments.

I pretty much scroll around Watt World looking for you know... whatever.

2. Cool Covers.

Rule: Sex Sells, so never underestimate the value of a cool almost naked cover. (The Hugh Hefner Rule)

Like a lot of judgmental people, I also judge a book by its cover. Although, I will admit that bright covers with lots of colors seem to catch my eye more than most stuff, but too much color also kind of hurts. Therefore, I would say a middling amount of color is probably best, something in the aqua or cerulean blue hue seems to soothe me. Orange is kind of nice too, and you really can't go wrong with a full rainbow, except for yellow. Yellow tends to piss me off for some reason after I drink Tequila. So fuck bright yellow covers. Boom you lose!

Time to move on to titles.

3. Titillating Titles.

Rule: Titles or "Tittels" should always imply that some sort of sex stuff is gonna happen. A good example of a tittel-title is "Getting an A the Hard Way: A student/tutor sex story."

If the title is not sexy, then I move on to my other questions. Do I understand what the title is totally talking about? If the answer is Yes, I pretty much friendzone that story to whatever and move on from there. But if the answer is No, then I get curious enough to check the tags out. If I see any of the following, Lots-Of-Humping-Here, StupidSexStuff, GirlxBoyxGirl, ShowerScene, BJ'z, TacoTuesday—we just might have a winner in the making.

Then I read the blurby thing.

4. Blurry Blurby things.

Rule: Blurby things should always be a little blurry.

First and foremost, a book blurb should always be a little confusing. It should tell the reader just enough to want to look inside, but not enough to start sounding just like everyone else's POS.

Then I ask myself, "Is this shit smarty people stuff?" Or I am just super high and can't think right?

I determine super smarty stuff by how many big words I don't understand in the blurb. One to four words? Then it's probably it's just my high eyes playing tricks again. Five to ten words? Might be me or might not be me. But more than ten plus, then I found me a smartypants person trying to show everyone just how smarty they really are. And in my book, that's a huge "No Go, Bro!" Smartypants people should be like... doing smartypants people stuff, with other smarty pants people. Like explaining common core math and having grammar fights with the "keeping it real" Urban Authors. They should not be sharing their super smarty spelling vision with the rest of Watt World. That is not what Watt World stands for at all.