If he was alive [SPOILERS]

Heart Shards

A few days later, Bucky arrived home before Steve again. He was tired, as he hadn't slept in about two weeks, so he went to his bed, even though he knew he wouldn't sleep. He lay down, curling into a ball, facing the wall. In  his tired state, his memory began to attack him, never relenting. Bucky's most painful memory came up, and Bucky couldn't push it away.

Bucky and Steve, before the serum, had been sitting around, enjoying each other's company. Bucky had noticed Steve stealing glances at him all day, and Bucky was going slightly crazy. "How's your love life, Steve?" Bucky had finally asked, unable to hold it in any more.

"What?" Steve was surprised, and he looked away, blushing. "Boring, as usual. There's this girl, but she keeps turning me down. I met her yesterday." Bucky's heart cracked, but he didn't show it.

"You met her yesterday, right?" Steve nodded. "How many times have you asked her out?"

"Seventeen," Steve mumbled. "She's the one for me, I can't let her go." Bucky's heart shattered, but Bucky was careful not to show it.

Bucky's heart shattered as his dreams were crushed by this memory. Shards of his heart spread, squeezing the air out of his lungs and tears out of his eyes. It was painful. His tears made a large wet spot on his pillow. He didn't love you then, he'll never love you know. No-one would love the Winter Soldier.

"Bucky? Are you here?" Bucky heard Steve's voice echo through the house and his heart sank. Steve must have been calling him for a while. He heard Steve's footsteps in the hall and he tried hard to stop crying, but it didn't work. "Bucky?" Oh no Bucky thought. Bucky felt a gentle hand rest on his back and Steve's voice sounded again. "Bucky, what's wrong?" Bucky didn't answer, not trusting his voice. "Bucky, did someone hurt you? I swear, if someone hurt you I will personally kill them. Please answer me, Bucky, did someone hurt you?" Bucky shook his head. "Thank god." Steve was silent for a bit. "Then what's wrong?"

Bucky sighed, not knowing what to say. "I..."

"Bucky?" Steve started rubbing Bucky's back, then pulled him in for a hug. Bucky turned so he could return the hug. He snuggled into Steve's chest, enjoying the closeness and warmth.

"I'm...not used to feeling emotions. I don't know how to react, and I can almost never sleep. My brain doesn't like me. I'm... thinking about going back under. It would be better for everyone." Steve's jaw dropped open.

"No! Bucky! Don't do that me to please, please don't leave me! I just got you back, don't leave me! Without you I'm lost! you're my reason to live! Without you I would be as good as dead. You are my reason to keep going, you are my reason to do anything! Everything I do is for you! You are my everything, Bucky. Without you, I have nothing. I'd want to die. Please don't do that to me, Bucky." Steve was crying, his tears dropping onto Bucky's head. His grip on Bucky had also tightened, like he'll never let Bucky go. "I'd rather die than loose you, Bucky. Please, please, please don't leave me."

Bucky looked up at Steve. He reached up, wiping the tears from Steve's face. "I won't leave if you don't want me to, Steve. But aren't I an annoyance?"

"Bucky, you aren't an annoyance, You're a gift, a gift I would never pass on. I promise." Steve smiled and loosened his grip on Bucky.

"Thanks. You almost had me suffocated." Steve looked at Bucky and saw that smirk that he remembered. Steve started laughing, and Bucky joined in soon after. Bucky fell asleep soon after to the sound of Steve's laugh, safe in Steve's arms.

He woke up like that, laying down, snuggled into Steve's chest. Steve realized Bucky was awake soon after. "Steve?"

"Morning Buck. Wh-"

"Hey! I'm allowed to take a nap, aren't I?"

"Nap! You just slept for like, 20 hours!"

"What!?"

"I think you might have been slightly tired, Bucky. That's ok, though. What were you going to say?"

"Oh, um... you don't have to answer it if you don't want to..."

"You're making me scared, now, Bucky. What is it?"

"I was wondering if you had a significant other?"

"Oh, um... I did, but she ditched me for...reasons." Steve looked away, blushing. His last   conversation with Katrina echoed in his head.

"Sorry, Steve. I didn't mean to touch on a sore subject."

Steve smiled at Bucky, thought it was a little wistful. "It's ok, Buck. Let's go get ready for today." Bucky nodded, and reluctantly got out of Steve's warmth and safeness.