Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 9: The Violin

//TW: swearing, small mentions of depression and self-harm\\

Thomas

Alexander held my hand firmly. If there's one thing I've learned so far, it's that he liked to touch other people. He liked to cling to them, to hold on tightly so that they could never slip away from him and disappear. I wonder if that was something he was used to, losing people. I hoped I would never have to find out.

He dragged me through the unfamiliar hallways of a building I had never so much as stepped foot in before, though he seemed to know it almost as well as he knew our own. But I trusted him enough to let him lead the way without complaint, only mildly panicking as I tried to plan everything I would have to do and say to people who deserved far better than me.

We stopped outside a door, but before Alexander could run forwards and throw it open, I tugged on the sleeve of his sweater, needing just a moment to collect myself. Immediately, he stopped and turned to me, as if prepared to give me all the time in the world.

"Are you sure they wouldn't mind if I joined you guys?" I mumbled, eyes tracing the intricate designs of the old carpeting. Heat flushed my cheeks, my thundering heart suddenly wishing I could be anywhere but standing here, facing a million unknowns I wasn't prepared for. "If you want to go ahead without me, that's fine. I can go home."

When had I started referring to the apartment I shared with Alexander as my home?

"Hey," he said softly but with that infallible teasing tone that never failed to coax a smile out of me, "I think they want you there more than they want me."

"Don't say that."

"It's true! Come on. Please?"

I let go of his hand, inching away from him. It wasn't too late to escape before the walls closed in on me and left me with nowhere to go. It wasn't too late to form some half-baked excuse that prevented them from having to put up with me for an hour or so.

Isn't that what got you into this mess? Isn't your cowardice the exact same thing that turned two of them against you?

Smoothing my shaking hands against my sweater, I nodded. "Okay, yeah. Sorry."

"I'll stay with you, if you want," Alexander offered as he opened the door without even knocking. How comfortable he must have been with them. I wish I had something like that.

"No, no, it's okay," I said, forcing my mouth into a smile. "I've kept you away from your friends too much already." We entered silently, nobody noticing our presence at first.

"That's not—" he began, but he couldn't get the rest of the words out as a yell of excitement tore through the air, sudden and loud enough to make me recoil and step backwards.

"Alexander!" John called from where he was sitting on the couch next to Hercules and Lafayette. The latter of the two stood up immediately as I entered, and though his smile was warm, there was a determined, fixated look in his eyes that peeled me apart and reduced me to nothing. Lafayette crossed over to where I stood, and in those slow heartbeats, I truly considered acting on my gut impulse and murmuring some excuse before escaping. The room was too small and there were already so many people in it and they were all looking at me and judging me and they would notice if I disappeared but would they really care or would they feel relieved?