Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 6: Heliophobia

//TW: mentions of verbal and physical abuse, self-hatred, eating disorders/ problems with food, swearing\\

Thomas

The day slid by slowly, an endless tirade of false pretenses taking its sweet time in delivering the precious refuge the night had to offer, with its starry embrace and the one person in the entire world who seemed to make everything just a bit more tolerable. I cowered from the sunlight as it pressed in on me, tearing our union apart and forcing us back into the pathetic hiding places we managed to find as the world around us seemed to thrive in its glow. The dark rooms meant to imitate the only relief we got, the loveless lives we led now that we no longer had one another to turn to. The sun, with its intense glare and unrelenting heat, exposed the city—and by extension, the world—for what it truly was, a desperate place filled with desperate people fighting to survive.

There was nothing to be loved or cherished about the day, not here. Not now. It brought with it nothing but pain and heartache as I stared at a sunrise I could not experience with the boy I cared about more than anything. I longed for the sun to disappear just as it did in the amethyst hopes of dusk, just to reveal the stars and to feel their light dance across my face. No, the daylight was a curse, especially if it meant James gripping me tighter, tugging me further and further down a path I had walked once a long time ago, and had no interest in walking along ever again.

But there was something about the safety of the night, something so peaceful, so serene. A promise of a respite from the exhaustion of the day. And slowly, it had become the only thing I had to look forward to, even if seeing Alexander was a once in a while sort of thing. Just having the ability to escape from James and the tight grip he had around my hand every moment we were together, forever leaving bruises in the places just covered by my sleeves, was good enough for me. I could survive the worst of it as long as I had him left to turn to.

So I hid from the day, and I embraced the night and all that it stood for.

The noises and sights of countless people milling about, just now getting ready to start the day flooded my senses as James and I entered a small coffee shop. I surveyed the place instinctively. What was I looking for? Not quite sure. But I was looking for something.

Perhaps I would see him. It filled me with an unwelcome shame, how I hungered to see him every moment of every day we spent apart. How I wished to see his face, his smile, and know that everything would be alright one day. Even if it never could be, the fleeting hope was more than I could ever ask for.

But he was nowhere to be found, no doubt no longer searching for the tower I had been locked away in. And even if I did see him, I'd just have to pretend that he was another face in an endless crowd of people. And I think that would've broken me more than anything else in the world. To have to force myself to regret everything that he and his love was, even if it was only for a few moments.

"Come on, Tommy," James said, slapping on that sickly sweet tone he put on whenever we were in public. It was strange. If you didn't know what he was like whenever we were alone, you'd never be able to tell that he was the abusive monster that he was.

Perhaps thats why I fell for his tricks, for his deceit. Perhaps thats why I never noticed each and every warning flag waving high up in the sky for all the world to see until it was much too late.

But now that I had seen the goodness in the world, the true wonder that love really was, it made me wonder how I had ever been stupid enough to fall for his lies in the first place.