Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 14: Lullaby

//TW: swearing, nightmares, PTSD||

Alexander

A scream tore itself from my mouth, scratching along my throat as it escaped into the still, quiet air of the dark bedroom. Sticky sweat was plastered to my face even despite the chill that had managed to invade from the outside, never content with what it was given. My heart pounded in my chest as the dying remnants of the nightmare flashed through my mind like lightning, but blurred just like rain. Through it all, I could only pick out the bare outline of a puzzle with pieces long missing and it just didn't make sense and—

"Alexander?"

I jumped at the nearness of the voice, clutching the blanket close to my chest as if it could protect me. But the nightmare faded and the real world filled the gaps it left, and the shapeless, bodiless voice took form to reveal Thomas sitting on the edge of my bed, a hand barely brushing against my arm. Something traitorous inside of me instantly relaxed just at the sight of his face, at the sound of his voice. The stupid, naïve boy that had gained control of my mind let my guard falter for a second, let the walls come crashing down for him.

I forced myself to breathe, finding an easy repetition that was strong enough to hold onto without splintering under my tightened grasp. "Th-Thomas?" No, oh God, no. I turned away so he wouldn't have to see me with the stupid, sweaty palms and the unhidden tears burning in the corners of my eyes no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. I turned away so he wouldn't have to see me as some broken mess haunted by things that happened years ago and people that nobody but me remembered.

"Are you...are you okay?" His voice shook, hardly hiding a heavy layer of panic and desperation pushed down just below the surface. "What happened?"

I shook my head, trying to get hold of my bearings, and inched a bit away from him. "I'm fine," I said, far harsher than I meant to be, and I hope the look of hurt flashing across his gaze, just perceivable in the shroud of darkness, was imagined. "Leave me alone."

My arm had been millimeters away from his fingers, millimeters away from his warmth, millimeters away from Thomas, but his hand returned to his side and it all disappeared at once. I forced myself to stay still, to not reach for his hand like I longed to do. He tore away some bits of the fear and replaced it with...well, I don't know. Something nice. Something comforting that I so desperately wanted to fall into, like a warm, unending embrace.

"Alexander?" he asked softly, inching away and leaving a distance far too wide between the two of us. "Did something happen?"

"No. I'm fine. Just go back to sleep, okay? You can leave me alone." My insisting sounded pathetic even to me.

Thomas's shoulders fell as he watched me carefully, and I found myself looking anywhere but his face.

"I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"You were crying," he responded, his voice hardly above a whisper as he avoided the question and somehow managed to answer it at the same time. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. But if you want me to go, I'll leave." He stood up, taking all the warmth and all the comfort away with him. Instinct must have fueled my actions because the next thing I knew, I had my hand wrapped tightly around his, begging him silently to stay.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you," I said as he stopped in his tracks.

"You didn't snap at me," he returned, falling back to the bed in quiet obedience. My eyes adjusted to the darkness enough to make out his patient, brown eyes waiting for something. For me, I guess.