Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 3: Red Roses and Blue Alliums

//TW: PTSD\\

Eliza

The endlessly black sky had seemed so heavy walking home that horrible, horrible night, pressing down on me with all the weight of the moon and the stars and the sun. It seemed as though the entire world had conspired to laugh at me, to ensure suffering for the sake of suffering. I'd never understand; I never wanted to understand. How could somebody truly be so evil? So messed up in the head?

It was an image I'd never be able to get out of my head, the way he had held the gun so carelessly, happy to bring about the end of so many wonderful things. Two people who had seen nothing but hardship and pain, finally guaranteed a little sliver of happiness in each other, only to have that ripped away once again? In what world was that fair?

What world did we live in where the ones who live in light and love lose?

I walked home alone, surrounded by strangers who could have cared less about me, and the glorious lights of the only city I had ever known in my entire life. Never had these lights seemed so unconcerned with the issues of those who depended on their glow. Never had they seemed so vacant, so empty. So... lifeless. Lafayette and John had escorted Alexander back to his apartment in an effort to make sure that he wouldn't hurt himself anymore than he was already hurting. In an effort to keep him safe from all the monsters in his head, the ones he'd never admit to.

Perhaps I shouldn't be alone either. Perhaps I am just as capable of the equally horrible things.

But if I had to spend one more minute around another person, it would have been the end of me. I would have broke into tears, returning to the little girl I had been so long ago. The naïve, little girl who didn't quite understand how the world worked and thus suffered the consequences. I had promised myself I would never be that girl again to be taken advantage of and thrown out like a broken toy nobody wants any more, and yet, here I am.

So I walked home alone, eyes studying the cracks in the old sidewalk. It always struck me as odd, how ancient this city truly was. It had existed for so long before me, and it would continue to live so long after my death. How strange, for something so not-living to have seen so much more than I could ever hope to. But then I suppose it would be unfair to say that New York City was not living.

I dreaded walking back into my dorm room, to face the girl who had stayed behind so she could study for an exam. I dreaded facing her, having to explain everything I had seen in excruciating detail, to expose every last shortcoming and failure when all I had wanted was for her to see me as...I don't know. Brave? I think it would have kill me, and I hadn't even faced the worst of it.

But before I knew it, my legs had carried me back to my home, the only place I had left to turn to. I stood outside the door, staring at the golden numbers signaling everything I had grown to know. The love I thought I'd never get to see again, less than two hours ago.

I opened the door quietly and walked inside my dorm, shutting it behind me. Hopefully, Maria had fallen asleep. If she was, then I could join her, and she wouldn't know that I was crying.

Oh yeah, I was crying. Kinda forgot to mention that.

"Eliza? Honey, is that you?"

Oh, great.

"Yeah, it's me," I said, trying to force my voice to stop shaking.

It seemed like an impossible task.

Maria appeared from our bedroom and studied me. The minute she realized something was wrong, she ran to me and engulfed me in a hug.  I collapsed into her arms.