Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 28: A National Embarrassment

//TW: ptsd, swearing\\

Alexander

"So I was thinking that we should use a safe word."

"Oh?" Thomas asked, his eyes focused solely on what was in front of him, as distant as two galaxies drifting further and further apart from ours. The hot early June sun bore down on us as we made our way through the crowded streets, making it rather unpleasant to worm our way through the scores of people rushing about.

"Yeah. You know, if I do— if one of us does something that makes the other feel uncomfortable," I began, quickly correcting myself. "Then the other can say it and that'll let us know to stop! Now, I have a few suggestions myself, if you'd be interested in hearing them."

I grabbed Thomas's hand and pulled him back just as he was about to step in the road. He paused, the traffic whizzing past him in an unsteady blur of that startling taxi cab yellow. He took a hesitant step backwards from the street and cast me a weary smile, almost poking fun at the way I had to catch him.

"That would have been bad," he said.

"Yes. It would have. You okay, love?" I asked, tightening my grip on his hand.

Thomas nodded in that sort of nonchalant way he often does when trying to disguise the thoughts creeping slowly and slowly through his head, an endless procession making its advances. I crossed my arms, raised an eyebrow. In response, he laughed slightly. "Yeah, I'm okay. Just lost in thought, I guess." A pause. "Sorry."

"No need to apologize, love," I returned, squeezing his hand. His warm eyes met mine, and I pulled him along as the crosswalk light changed, permitting us to cross across the uncomfortably warm concrete. "You nervous?"

He shrugged.

"Thomas. Remember what we talked about?"

Because I need him to talk to me. Because I hate it when he shuts the world out, when his words become mute and distant, when he is silent while he is suffering. It renders me helpless, lost. So if I have to force him to talk to me, then fine.

A soft sigh wormed its way from his lips, almost lost in the noise and the bustle of the city during the crowded afternoon. "Just a little, I guess. What if she doesn't like me?"

"I'll hit her with a brick."

"Alexander."

"I will!"

He sighed, but even he could not fight down that beautiful smile that poked through like sunbeams on a cloudy day. He shook his head in dramatic disbelief but the smile never faded, and perhaps that made the guilt boiling my stomach ease just a little bit. "What were you talking about again? A safe word?"

"Yes. What do you think we should use?"

"What about, 'Can you please stop? You're making me feel uncomfortable'?"

"Yeah but that's no fun. I was thinking something more along the lines of 'Cows are romantic'."

Thomas sighed, rolled his eyes, and smiled. "You just want me to admit it out loud, don't you?"

"Maaaaybe. Hey, I have a question for you. Why aren't koalas considered bears?" I asked in the most serious tone I could muster.

"Probably because they're marsupials."

"No! Because they lack the koalafications!"

A small laugh lit the world on fire too quickly for him to catch it. He shook his head in a distaste that didn't quite match the absolutely adorable smile that flickered across his lips as he turned away, perhaps trying to escape my notice. But if it meant seeing him smile...