Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 19: Keep Him Safe

//TW: mentions of abuse, suicidal thoughts, swearing\\

Alexander

Across the sky, there blew a short, crisp breeze that smelled faintly of an oncoming spring storm combined with surmounting dread. I progressed along the campus lawn, my heart in my throat as I watched the hundreds of people milling about without a care in the world. I clutched the strap of my bag tighter to my chest, envious of the blind ease with which they led their lives. I let out a short breath and allowed the tension in my shoulders to disappear for a moment. They were happy, even if they were alone. If they were happy, there was no reason why I couldn't be happy. If they were living with all the freedom that encompasses life in college, there was no reason why I shouldn't do the same. I'm hardly an adult, I have my entire life in front of me, a life I never expected to survive long enough to see. I have every right to live the same way they do, free from the burdens I pile upon myself.

And yet, every morning when I wake up in that empty, cold bed, to be greeted by a room filled with his plants and the things he loved enough to cultivate in his short time with me, my world becomes dull and lifeless just as it was before I met him. Swaddled in his oversized sweatshirt, the lasting scent of his rose perfume just barely clinging to the over-worn fabric, and I remember exactly why I continue to hold onto this dreadful live and why I don't just let it go in favor for another one, a better one.

I'm holding up.

Just barely.

I'm clinging to the last threads of my humanity, tying them together with the rapidly fraying hopes that one day my Thomas will return to me, that one day I'll be able to smile and laugh and never have to worry about losing him once again, that one day Thomas and I can have the future I have always dreamed of without having to doubt that it'll ever come to fruition.

But for now, I am stuck within the confines of my apartment, separated from my starlight and the brightest, most glorious thing that has ever turned to look at me, ever smiled and graced my life with his perfect impermanence.

God, I fucking miss him. I miss him more than I've ever missed anything. I miss him more than the tide misses the moon enough to fight and pull and bend to its every desires solely for the hope that it will get to see it again.

I just want to have my Thomas again. I just want to hold him in my arms. I just want to press soft kisses to his neck. I just want to let him know that he's safe and loved.

It feels like torture.

Being apart from him feels like torture heaped upon torture, like having my head held underwater as I kick and writhe and cling to life. It is a nightmare, a constant, invasive nightmare.

And I know this makes me a terrible person, but there are times where I genuinely hate Thomas for what he's done. For leaving me with almost no explanation. Is it really just that James threatened to hurt us, or was he not happy with me?

I'm trying my best to be there for him. To support him and help him through all of this, but as time wares on, I'm losing that strength.

Sometimes the cords that I use to keep myself bound to him burn my fingers, peel away the skin. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep holding on, to keep fighting only for that inevitable snap of the breaking tethers ring through my ears. The strain becomes too much, my body too weak to withstand such an exertion. Sometimes I fear I am inches away from caving in and releasing him back into the shadows I had pulled him from. They will reclaim him, and I will watch as they drag him back into the darkness for good.