Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 37: King of Filth

//TW: swearing, manipulation, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse, trauma, violence, guns, heartbreak, suicidal thoughts\\

Me: Listen to new musicals like Waitress or the Book of Mormon and expand your tastes.

Also me: *listens to the Steven Universe Soundtrack on repeat*

Also, look at this picture of my ferrets to distract yourself from the pain this chapter might bring you.

Thomas

There was a sense of finality trilling through my bones as I stared down the barrel of what was most definitely a loaded gun. The black metal gleamed in the streetlight overhead, but the person who wielded it was still obscured by the shadows of the alley, just to the point of making it impossible to see his face. I should have been scared, but for some reason, it was as though that part of me had just been turned off. So instead, I just felt a gaping emptiness deep within myself, devouring all there was to devour until my entire body went numb from the shock.

It was almost as if New York City stopped existing for a moment, no more than a distant memory faded into the background. But where else could something like this happen? Where else could somebody have everything they want and lose it all in a matter of seconds? The lights grew dimmer in the wake of the shadow standing on the other edge of the alleyway, still as a statue; the air grew just a fraction colder as a breeze shifted between the concrete buildings and whispered a final parting.

Even if everything goes right, I'll probably never feel it again. I'll never feel the breeze playing with my hair, I'll never see the endless sky above me, promising a life I should have known I could never have. After tonight, once more will I be locked in that unbending, iron cage, trapped forever like a songless bird, but this time, I will know what freedom tastes like and mourn for it every time I catch a glimpse of the gorgeous night sky.

Tonight marks the end of so many things, a return to the way things were before.

It wasn't fair, but in the end, it didn't matter. Nothing will change for us, and nothing should. We are insignificant in our temperance. We will die all the same. Why should a world that existed millions of years before us and will continue to exist millions of years after we burn ourselves out ever bend for the likes of me?

The alley was shrinking, the walls pressing tight against my ribcage; they ripped the breathe from my lungs and the sense from my head. It brought me back to the present, as awful a present as it was. The past was obsolete and there was no future for me anymore, so all I had was the present.

There was silence for a few moments. It was like time had frozen, come to a complete standstill. It didn't seem real. It seemed like something from a dream— no, it seemed like something from a nightmare.

The kind of nightmare that comes in flashes of blood red and absolute black. The kind of nightmare that follows you around for days afterwards, even when most dreams would have been lost to the place all things go when they are forgotten. The kind of nightmare that was so vivid, so disturbing, that it unwound the ropes of comfort and safety you could have spent years knotting together to keep you grounded to a sense of reality that was already starting to drift away.

It was the kind of nightmare that could only be reality.

Alexander reacted almost immediately. Without saying a single word, he grabbed my arm and pulled me back behind him, as though to shelter me from the lightning cleaving the sky into two dark halves. A cold fury had washed over him, leaving my world darker than it had any right to be. His grip on my hand tightened, fingers digging into my skin. He didn't do it on purpose, but it still stung all the same.