Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 20: A Walk In The Park

//TW: swearing, PTSD, verbal abuse and manipulation\\

Basically James. Should I just make that a trigger warning?

Thomas

I drew in the subtle softness of the morning light, letting the cool, refreshing air fill my lungs. I basked in the pastel colors of the sky painted by the sunrise, taking in the dawn for everything it was. My fingers drummed against the windowsill, and I turned to the bed, staring at the empty space greeting me. It had been cold. Lonely.

Even in my sleep I had longed for somebody to touch me, to hold me. A flash of an image passed through my mind, a smile barely just recognizable before the image blurred and fled, leaving me empty, leaving me alone.

Something in my stomach tightened but I didn't dare acknowledge it, especially not when such things were so much easier to handle when they were put down. Killed like weeds before they could ever bloom. I flattened my hands against the windowsill and drew in another breath of the morning air, before closing the window and turning my back to a beautiful, vibrant sky. Color had slowly regained its meaning, once more finding purchase in a world that had once been black and gray and white.

I stepped through my bedroom, watering my growing collection of the plants that added that splash of life, that richness of green ivy and colorful flowers. It was freeing, to have those plants again. They were the one thing I had to look forward to now, my plants, and I gave every bit of myself to them in return for the shelter and the comfort they provided with their mere presence. They thrived under my care, under my touch, the one thing I didn't ruin with my love.

But all the while I tried to tend to the rudiments of a garden giving the room a distinct feel that reminded me of everything that had happened before-James, the dream from the night before haunted me. It came in blurs and snippets and bursts of violence, hardly recognizable now that daylight had come and pierced holes through its darkened veil. But still, I could clearly picture that one face I had come to depend on, that one face that meant more to me than any song, any flower, any temporary pleasure, that one beautiful face with a curled sneer and eyes shadowed by a hatred that couldn't be dreamed up.

My fingers tightened around the watering can and I forced myself to put it down. My hands shook. I stood there for an impossibly long moment, staring out the window and at the tendrils of ivy that draped down the wall.

Oh, what would it like to be a plant? The only constant and the only truth being life. Everything else doesn't matter. Everything else is independent of you and your existence. You are you and that is it.

In.

I relaxed, letting my eyes fall shut, and conjured up Alexander's smile. It wasn't hard. It never would be. Alexander was real and perfect, and no fabrication would ever be enough to corrupt him or the way I saw him. He was the sweet relief of darkness, a gentle, cool breeze on an intolerably hot day. He was rain and peace and happiness, and there was nothing strong enough in this world or the next that could ever touch that.

I am here. Nowhere else but here. And there is nowhere else I need to be. Because as long as I have Alexander, nothing can hurt me.

Out.

I needed to take a walk.

I changed quickly, slipping on my favorite sweater above a black long sleeved shirt and simple jeans. It was comfort, and although there had once been a time where I chased after something more, that part of me was dead. The reflection in the mirror stared back at me, and for once, it had nothing to say. I combed through my hair still ruffled by sleep, placed my phone in my pocket, and drifted through my apartment. My home.