Broken- And Fixed Again- (A Jamilton Fanfic)

Chapter 26: Stardust (part 2)

//TW: self-harm, suicide, self-loathing, panic attacks, ptsd, swearing\\

You had your total of one happy chapter.

(Edit: guys this is gonna get a little bit graphic I think and I apologize in advance but idk it just came naturally and I felt like I needed to write it if that makes any sense so sorry)

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Thomas

I felt alone.

Surrounded by love, surrounded by life and by happiness and trapped within the beautiful world he had made for me, and all I could do was stare at the ceiling through tear stricken eyes and do my best to keep my sobs silent. But the hatred within me burned away at my soul, burned away at that joy I had fought so hard to obtain, and once more, I found myself absolutely empty.

Even though Alexander was right beside me, his arms wrapped around my waist and his lips pressed slightly against my neck, I felt utterly alone. His chest rose and fell at a gradual rate, confirming that he was asleep.

I tried to lose myself to it, to the sound of his heartbeat, to the swell of his chest. I tried to lose myself to the feeling of my Alexander, pressed so close and yet so far. He was right there. He was my happiness. He was all that I needed and that should have been enough but the sad, sad truth was that it was not enough and that nothing could fill what had been taken from me and I was simply utterly broken in all the worst ways.

I closed my eyes; I did everything I could to imagine a better world, a better time, a grotto with moonlight and starlight and a soft, whispered song carried by an unseen breeze. I would have given anything to open my eyes and find myself in that world sugarcoated with light and happiness, but the light was manufactured and the happiness was a thin guise meant to obstruct the truth.

And regardless, when I opened my eyes, I was faced with the monsters that lurked in the darkness, the beings that were barely visible in my peripheral, the vile things that hungered for my blood and my flesh and my tears, hungered for it like it was the very thing they needed to sustain themselves. Like without it, they would slowly wither away and die. In their eyes, a sacrifice had to be made. So I opened my eyes, and they surrounded me, their cold touch implanting curses and cruel thoughts in my head. Seeds of horribleness, old memories that had been reused time and time again until it was hard to remember that they had actually happened to me and weren't the makings of some sick nightmare. Their tentacles slipped through the darkness, wrapped themselves firmly around my limb, and as they burned away my flesh, they devoured me.

Haunted by those thoughts, I wept.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness, able to make out a few shapes. Warmth touched my body where Berlioz was at my feet, vibrating softly as she purred in her sleep.

Dick was perched in his cage by the window, overlooking the city below. He slumbered peacefully, not making a sound.

I watched them. If anything could make me happy, it should have been them and their love. Their senseless, arbitrary love. Their devoted, unconditional love. The love they had given me, even while looking upon a creature as worthless and undeserving as I, and that should have placated me to remember that there were three beings in this room who adored every movement I made, who would sacrifice worlds for me. Who loved me with every breath in their lungs and every drop of blood in their body.

And yet, all I could think was that their love was misplaced.

Because there was never anybody who deserved it less than I did.