Yes Homo {Boyf-riends} [Be more chill fanfic]

Chapter 19: Grey

{trigger warning}

Jeremy's POV

I did my daily routine. Got up got ready and sat on the couch thinking about how bad of a person I am.... it's been a year.. and I'm miserable. I have barley talked sense....it happened.... I forgot what my voice even sounds like...probably something stupid. I stopped going to school, I know it's bad but I don't care. The world lost its color. Squip never bothered me sense...or.. maybe he did... I don't know..I don't care. I get into my car... a PT cruiser... I don't know why I decided on this car... it's his car... I bought it from his parents. I have managed to reserve the smell but now it's starting to fade. I don't know... maybe if his last words to me were less hostile I may have turned out different... or not. But I learned not to get close to anything or anyone any more. I pushed everyone away no matter how much the resisted. I park the car in the seven eleven parking lot.

I fill up a slushy cups and pay without talking... I don't even know if the cashier talked to me... I don't listen. I walk out to the side of the building and lean on the wall, looking at the grey PT cruiser... I forgot what color it actually was... everything is grey for me now... voices are just wordless mumbles.... faces are blurry and dreams ha! They died along with Michael,.. so... welcome to my life. I wouldn't blame you if you just left.. I have been wanting to for a while.

"Ha... what a view eh Michael.." I mumble, looking at the brick wall on the other side of the parking lot.

My voice was hoarse from not using it but it was blunt and lifeless like always. I reach into my pocket and grab my box of cigarets. I light one and put it between my lips. Breath in, out, then hold it in my right hand.

"Heh.. look what's happened to me, just a waste of air." I mumble.

I stand up strait and walk over to the car...but I stop. I look back up at the brick wall, it was a church. I move my hand away from the door. I can't explain it but i felt...something. I walk to the huge door of the church. The chore was singing...something... it just sounded fuzzy to me. I put out my cigaret and lean against the door way, watching the priest dude announce something with with hands up.

I chuckle slightly, right God.... I roll my eyes and turn around, dropping my cigaret on the ground.

"Yeah thanks for the help god." I sneer.

If God did exist he would have helped Michael, he wouldn't have left me here alone to suffer. I pause....but the door....is within arms reach. I get into the car and drive to the beach. A tall cliff that dropped down to more mountains and then fades into water. I sit at the edge, my feet dangling. I take a sip of my slurpy. I look out into the grey sea. Really the only word that went through my head now a days was 'Michael' I killed him... but he got the chance to live... only for my to kill him again. I'm alone now, this is my punishment. I'm useless I'm pointless a wasted bag of flesh that takes oxygen from the people who deserve it. I don't know why... I just felt the need to....talk.

"You know... it's been very lonely without you..." I say.

You would assume I was crying but no... oh... right... let's go back a year

Michael was dead.... I sobbed as the doctor ran it but then I stopped. I wiped a tear away. I should have felt something, that's what I expected at least... I felt nothing. I felt like I should die but that's it. I wasn't sad but I wasn't happy I wasnt mad and I wasn't excited... I was just.... nothing. Michael's parents came in. They cried.... but I know him more, I loved him more.... why can't I cry? I want to cry... but I don't have to... why don't I have to....

Yep that's it... you were expecting some big breakdown but no... I haven't felt any emotions sense. I look down at the pointy rocks below me.

"I...miss you." I say.

"Jeremy, don't." A familiar voice says.

My heart lurched, color spread through the world and I felt... devastated. Tears filled my eyes, tears that were far over due. I spin around, a faded figure stood there with beautiful broad white wings. A golden hoodie with logos on it and non other then a halo shaped like paceman.... but his expression was grim.

"You can't jump your needed here." He says.... Michael says.

Tears roll down my cheeks. I run to hug him but faze right through. I don't bother to get up, I stay on the ground sobbing.

"Jeremy listen to me." He says desperately.

"I can't I need you I love you!" I cry.

"I know, I love you too... I'm sorry I couldn't remember you but you could do so much here... stop this from happening again, get rid of Squip's and anything similar." He says.

I shake my head

"No not without you!" I sob.

I stand and turn to him. He too was crying and seemed desperate to hug me.

"Level 9 isn't don't yet!" He says miserably.

"And I won't touch it till your holding the other controller!" I say.

"It has a single player mode Jeremy." He pushes.

"But it's a two player game." I sniffle.

I hear him sob.

"You can't kill yourself." He insisted.

"Why should I stay, all I will do is suffer here do you really want that from me!?" I shout.

His golden tears grew heavier.

"O-of course not! I-I.." he was unable to speak.

All that crap about heaven being well 'heaven' and no bad all happy was clearly not true, even I know happiness can't be controlled by where you are or how many things you have. Everyone's is different and Michael and I... it was each other. The tears themselves were beautiful and a single one could probably make someone rich but I hated to see them either way.

"Whats heaven like? Are you happy?" I ask quietly.

He uses his hoodie to wipe the tears.

"It's warm and welcoming and well... it's heaven... god is real Jeremy don't lose your faith." He says.

"But are you happy?" I ask again.

He didn't answer.

I step closer to the edge.

"J-Jeremy no!" Michael shouts.

I didn't listen just kept walking.

"I-I'm h-happy!" He lies

And walking.

"Jeremy stop!"

A few more steps

"JERMEY!"

And falling.

"I'm sorry.. I love you." I mumble as the air blows through my uncut hair.

"I can't wait to be with you again.."

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Please read!!!! OK OK OK I'm crying too chill but if you have depression or your life is not going well please don't do what Jeremy did it is NOT the answer! This is very bad and I just like to play with your feels! If you have considered suicide or self harm please talk to someone or message me I will try my best to help! Everyone means something in this world whether you see it yet or not and you are loved. I love you and I'm not just saying that out of no where and to everyone I love YOU the one reading this and I will drop everything if you text me to help you out so please do not take this as an example and have an amazing day and your not alone I'm right here with you only a message away... also side note I have school so I might not answer right away but I will as soon as I can so please just keep on being you your awesome and suicide only transfers the pain to you loved ones it doesn't get rid of it 💗 wow that was deep ok bye love you 😘