the beekeeper.

forget ii.

ever since monday i've been thinking of you
like you're still a part of my life,
like i'm still a part of yours.
it's a trick my heart has played on my mind:
think of everything.
recall those lost letters.
remember all of the whispers shared by those not visible.
revisit those rocks and leaves and playgrounds and parking lots and bathrooms and kitchens and churches and schools that you poisoned together.
fucking remember everything that happened when you were younger,
and burn in everything you've set fire to.

but i don't want to remember!
i want to lay down and forget!

i wonder if the day will come when i'm not under this hypnosis,
this dystopia of a world that some witch has built in my brain.
i wonder if i'll wake up one day and finally,
finally not remember who you are.

oh god,
wouldn't that be the day?
wouldn't that be the most glorious day!
"ryan?
who is ryan?
i don't know a ryan.
i never knew a ryan.
i've yet to meet a ryan.
i must've forgotten ryan."

oh my,
i can see it now.
the blissful ignorance,
the forgetting.

i want it to happen.
i want to be able to hear "alabama" and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to listen to the eagles and not associate them with "ryan".
i want to listen to arctic monkeys and associate them with "ryan".
i want to smell irish spring and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to colour things pink and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to build houses and not associate them with "ryan".
i want to eat whales and not associate them with "ryan".
i want to use a lighter and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to sit in a shitty car and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to think about my future and not associate it with "ryan".
i want to feel love again and not associate it with "ryan".

I WANT TO LIVE AND NOT ASSOCIATE ANYTHING WITH RYAN.

if the government really brainwashes people,
i want to be the next one on the waiting list.
i'm exhausted from remembering.
like stanley uris,
remembering will be the death of me.