the beekeeper.

wet.

day in,
day out.
you sweet talk me,
i please you,
and after you've had your fill,
you disappear.

birdboy:
the vulture,
the carrion carver,
the strong-stomached suitor.
how did the crow molt into a scavenger?
are my binoculars smudged with cynicism again?

i wonder about you,
and i wonder about us.
us?
you and i, rather.

how many orgasms does it take to tell you i love you?
how many nights of drinking away my sorrows does it take to tell you i hate it?
the world may never fucking know,
but if it finds out,
it better tell me.

if you can do me one last favor, remember me grinning at your florida teeth
and longing to kiss your jasper lips.
remember me stroking your feathery hair
and holding you tightly after your grandfather's lungs gave out.
remember me crawling back to you after you screeched,
you bellowed,
you roared hateful words and told me: "leave me alone, you clingy bitch!"
i want you to remember all of it.
i want you to breathe it into your body;
i want you to get high off of the thought of someone loving you,
because this is the day i tell you:

i don't want to be your girl anymore.

like i ever was,
but i think i have decided.
i would rather die lonely and soggy with sorrow
than unsatisfied and mistreated.
you may have been the crow i coughed up,
but you've morphed into a blue-eyed buzzard that is picking at my hot flesh,
and i refuse to be disgraced like that.
show some respect for the dead, you sinner!

i am drinking away my liver
as you are drinking up my life.
sick minds think alike.
did i mention i want some hydros, too?
summer really is fantastic for addiction and turmoil.
the headaches, the heartaches.

what's good for a heartache?
a handful of caring friends who threaten to approach you?
a new sophomore who stays up late with me so i don't feel so alone?
a good day out with my mother?
maybe so,
but i feigned strength,
and i still am rocked with agony at the loss of my bird.
it seeps into my bones;
it seeps into my kidneys.

i think i did love you,
and after eight months of useless pining,
after 6 months of talking nonstop,
i wonder how i will live through tomorrow without you.

but one thing is for certain,
i am determined that i will.