the beekeeper.

i had a nightmare.

i thought that losing you wouldn't be so hard
until you came so close to leaving me.

you yelled.
and even though i couldn't hear your voice,
i could feel the deep rumble of your bellows in my chest
and god, my left lung ached with your curses.

you yelled.
you were so angry with me,
and even though i knew i was in the right,
i let you get out your hatred and rage
because being right is less important than having you by my side.

you don't love me.
not even close.
but as time goes on, i start to think:
shit...
i love you.

do you know how scary that is?

ryan.
no, not him again.
you're worse.
you're meaner and more hateful and you don't care about my well being and he loved me at one point and all you do is cut me down and use my body as pornography but goddamn, i fucking love you.

i had a nightmare.
after you lit me aflame with your burning disdain,
after you aggressively snapped: "goodnight." and stormed down the stairs to sleep on the couch,
i had a nightmare.

we were talking on the phone,
and you demanded an apology.
i granted it without question.
you're so important to me;
i'll be submissive to you.
"i'm sorry, baby."
"what was that?"
"i said i'm sorry."
"i deserved that. that apology."
"i know, i know."
"you're the one who fucked this up."
"i know i did... i'm sorry, baby, i am."
"good. you should be."
you hung up.
i woke up sick to my stomach,
and when i finally fell back to sleep,
i had another dream about you.
you didn't want to see me at school
(not much of a dream, huh, babe?)
and the next day it became reality.
you didn't want to see my face.
friday night,
i had another nightmare.
you were being so sweet, so loving
you picked me up and held me close to your body
and we laid down in the field together,
but you insisted on touching my thighs and kissing my neck
and god i just wanted to hold you
but you wanted to hold a fistful of my hair
and i couldn't stand the thought of it.
i woke up,
but i'm still living a nightmare.
you only want my body;
you only want my skin.

baby, i know i will never get the chance to tell you this because summer is right around the corner
and summer is the season of betrayal and abandonment,
but i love you.
i know i'm a dog that will always come back after it's kicked because you're my owner.
i know it's toxic and not good for me:
everyone tells me so,
but i love you.
i love you, i love you, i love you.
and loving you is a nightmare.