the beekeeper.

colorado nervosa.

they ask where i'm headed,
i tell them i don't know.
i try to explain the inevitable dysfunction that comes with growing up too quickly,
but speaking the same reverberated words only skews the vision more,
and it compels those who don't understand to grow dismissive towards my claims.

i ineffectively echo:

"there's something about the way a provincial life affects you:
the way that it can create dens in each of your temples,
and declare itself the deciding factor of your future.
the dull foreshadowing induces panic,
and it makes you feel like time is just a purported concept,
some foreign idea that an equally foreign philosopher created as a form of comfort.

there's something about the way your own worrisome mind can cause you to deviate from the path you originally marched down.
there's something terrible about the way panic
can infringe on the things that keep you sane.
something brutal and carnivorous,
and it comes out of the darkest, most obsolete areas."

this is where the page splits,
and the spectators of my plea get lost.

in the simplest of words i can muster,
in phrases that don't retract reasoning from my point,
i dream of colorado wildflowers and western landscapes.
i find comfort in the memory of the pungent smell of sweet purity in the air.
to be able to break from the heat of my oncoming adulthood,
to be able to, rather impulsively, disappear from this atmosphere,
and sit among the colorful flora in the mountains,
alone, far from feeling dejected,
it would allow genuine healing and true comfort.
finally, the stress and unadulterated guilt i've collected over the years,
finally, they could cease from carving at my fleshy anatomy,
and ultimately expel from my body.

i refuse to allow this guilt and concern to be my life.
i am determined and do not fear acting petulant if I must.
this will not be the epitome of my being.
whether i have to fly to the far west to patch up my fractious body,
or if i can succeed by simply changing the format of my explanations,
panic will not consume the weak tonight.