the beekeeper.

addiction.

it's wrong.
that's what they all tell me,
"You're ripping yourself to shreds, it's not healthy!"
i want to see my own blood,
and watch my pulse from the inside out.
i want to feel that sting to remind myself that i can feel.
that's what it does for me,
it's a reminder that when everything inside is numb,
my body can still feel.
it brings me back to earth.
it's like a small punishment for my wrong doings, but also a gift of pain,

i

want

to

do

it.

eight months in rehab and the aftermath still shows.
i want it bad.
i want to carve so deep i can see my bones beneath my skin
and lavish in the poison that pours out
like coffee through a filter,
it drains the bad.
i'll continue to make promises i can't keep
i'll continue to want, to crave
it will never get better with therapy.
this is an addiction.