the beekeeper.

identity.

why do i find it so difficult to make up my mind?
to stay satisfied,
to figure out what i really want?
is it the pain?
my existential crisis
mixed in with the interpersonal loneliness?

what makes me this way?
what makes me feel one way a certain day and then lose all interest the next?
i'm disgusting.
disgusting!
i'll never be able to be happy.
not with anyone.
not with the guilt,
not with the never-ending feeling of emptiness
like something is constantly missing.

i'm confused on who i am:
sexuality,
gender,
it's all so twisted.
i'm so alone that i've begun to feel comfortable with saying,
"i'll stay this way for you. i don't need to change."
it's obsessive.
it's unhealthy.
it's filthy.

who am i?
i used to know.
it was so simple,
but the fear of isolation,
the fear of complete alienation is impending.
it's loud.
it scrambles my brain like eggs and let's it burn,
smoke,
shrivel.

if i can say, "no, i'll remain this way. i will. all for you, all for you. i'll be fine with it, too. don't worry."
is what i originally claimed to feel invalid?
does that make everything i have said and told myself for years mean nothing?

it's like i want to live two lives,
two lives so i don't have this confusion.
i just want things to clear up.
i'm tired of feeling so lost.

who am i?
i used to know.
i used to know.