the beekeeper.

shy.

so i have come to realize that
it's not necessarily my body keeping us apart
but rather the fact that i don't initiate contact with you outside of my phone.

i tried yesterday, i did
we were together
and lord,
you teased me
but it was just so amazing to hear your voice.
the last time i heard it was when i had a gift for you,
and my tongue swelled up in my throat
like i had been eating hot coals again
and i couldn't think of things to say.

i tried.
but every time i make eye contact with you,
it's like all of the things i've talked about for the past couple months,
all the things i've romanticized and dreamed inside my head,
they're all coming true,
and it's so nerve-racking.
i know you tried four times yesterday
and i know i made it insanely difficult to talk to and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

i can honestly say that i don't love you.
but let me tell you one thing right now,
i loved a boy just like you
and i see him in your eyes
and i hear him in your voice
and if you leave me like he left me
without warning or reason or care
i won't be able to ever stand on my two feet again.
you will have burnt my heels into charred concrete blocks
and you will have cemented me into the past,
three years prior,
where he used to sing me to sleep.

that's why i'm shy.
i'm passive and quiet because i care about you so much.
you're just like him
and speaking is what made him run away.
i don't mean to compare an engineer to a pharmacist,
but i worry so much that the end result will be the same.

and if your choice is ever to depart because of my shyness
or my face or body or the contents of my tongue or anything of the sort,
you will leave me with honesty.
you had better know that.
you will leave me without secrets and without excuses.

you will not be another ryan!
i would die if i had another ryan!

shush my stutter with your lips,
or leave me with an epipen to calm the swelling in my tongue.
you have to make the decision,
because i am too engulfed in your words and smirk and collarbone to make it for us.

"what do i seem like to you?" i asked.
"a good person with a dark side," you answered.
"dark side? sounds edgy. what do you mean?"
"you know.. a dark side. everyone like us has one."
"sounds like you have one too, then."
"yeah?"
"mhm."
"what's the verdict?"
"i'm not sure. you're a very cryptic person, i don't have much to go off of."
"cryptic is the verdict? i can't believe it." you began to laugh.
"no, no, you just never tell me anything about yourself." i was embarrassed.
it fell serious. "you never ask."

you have a calm voice,
speak to me.
tell me that it's okay and i can relax.
tell me it's fine if i talk.
tell me i'm not trying to impress anyone.
tell me i don't have to try so damn hard.
i'm not naturally so timid:
bring me out of my shell,
and please,
don't be like the tidal wave that washed me free of my voice.