Just another lonely girl

2

When you feel like you don't want to exist anymore but you have to. Maybe because you're scared? Maybe because you still have someone you don't want to leave? Or maybe you just don't want to leave for no reasons? Does that make sense? Probably not.

So suddenly I burst into tears not knowing why. Why do I always feel sad? I'm tired of being sad. But sometimes, being sad is great. I'm capable of doing and thinking about things that I shouldn't.

That is the power of sadness.

I wiped my tears and I locked the door before going inside the tricycle.

I fixed my hair and I made sure that people won't notice that I cried. Especially my friends. Its hard to keep things from them.

When I reached the school gate, ofcourse si kuya guard tinanong na naman ako kung nasaan ang ID ko kahit halos isang buwan ko yun sinasabi sa kanya.

Wait parang may iba kay kuya guard ah? Ay, bagong guard pala.

Same thing happen all over and over again. I feel like may routine na nga ako eh. Like kung anong ginawa ko kahapon, yun din gagawin ko ngayon. Nothing ever changes anymore.

Suddenly I heard voices, noises, screaming kids. I looked around but no one is there. I was the only one there. Suddenly everything turned black.

I panicked and I didn't know what to do. So I screamed for help. I don't know what is happening. Then naalala ko yung sinasabi sa akin nung friend ng ate ko dati.

Breath in then breath out.

Suddenly things went back to normal again and then I just stayed there at the moment to rest. I really can't process all of this.

Is this what you call panic attack?

Is it because I'm worried about about being rejected by society again?

Or is it because I'm just worried about every single thing again? About what I say, about silly things I did before, about how will people look at me. Is it that I'm worried about again?

Sandali, nilock ko ba yung pintuan sa bahay? Hala baka manakawan kami, tapos magagalit si mama, tapos papalayasin niya ako tapos titira ako sa kalye!

Oh, I'm overthinking again.

I decided to go upstairs na to our classroom, marami na din kasing nagsisidatingan.

I walked inside and maingay na agad ang classroom. Jiane and Lyvie are talking na and Jb is just there playing games using his phone. Looks like everyone is doing their own thing, so I decided to just wear my earphones.

Currently listening to Demons by Imagine Dragons

🎶When the days are cold and the card all fold and saints we see are all made of gold

🎶When your dreams all fail and the ones we hail are the worst, of all, And the blood's run stale

🎶I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you but with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide

🎶No matter where we breed , we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come

🎶When you feel my heat, look into my eyes. Its where my demon hides, its where my demon hides.

🎶Don't get too close, its dark inside, its where my demon hides

I feel like the lyrics really reflect us. We all have demons inside us. Its either hiding or its showing.

Mine likes to have hide and seek with me.

My dad likes this song, he always sing and this song is probably one of his favorites. I don't really know, I didn't ask him when he's still alive.