Just another lonely girl

7

I woke up with heavy eyes, wanting to sleep but even if I tried I couldn't

I was afraid. What will happen when I sleep? What if I couldn't move again? What if I die in my sleep?

My overthinking has maybe gone too far making me have a restless night.

I slept but it was only for 2 hours and I tried to go back to sleep but it took me 30 minutes to convince my body that I'm tired and woke up again when 2 hours has passed.

6:20. Mom is still asleep. I decided to wake up, wash and yeah do mornings.

I went downstairs to see what my uncle is doing and saw that he's mopping the floor so I decided to go upstairs again.

I quietly went inside the room, lay in my bed and cover my eyes with my arms.

But then suddenly, a loud noise made me open my eyes.

I saw my grandma sitting at our chair and my mother yelling her.

"BAKIT KA NA NAMAN NAGLAKAD?!" My mom yelled and keep on scolding my grandmother.

"EH KUNG MAHULOG KA DYAN HA?! AT IKAW KARIA NAKITA MO NA NGA TAPOS DI MO LANG NAMAN AKO KINALABIT" she yelled again

I understand why, may isang beses kasi na naglakad magisa ang lola ko ng walang kasama tapos bigla nalang siyang nadapa at nang makita namin, nasa sahig na siya.

I know why mom's angry but why does she have to blame me when I didn't even see it happening?

"Ma! Di ko naman nakita eh! Pagakyat ko nakahiga si lola! Hindi ko siya nakita kasi humiga na ako at tinakpan ko yung mata ko!" Depensa ko sa sarili

"Wala kang kwenta!" She shouted

3 words but it shattered my heart.

I want to fight back, I want to talk back. I want to tell her how painful it is to hear that words. I want to tell her what I'm going through. I want to tell her that everything she hates about me is her fault.

But nothing is gonna happen if I fight back. It'll just turn into a big fight and I'm not gonna gain anything from it. Pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kahit gusto kong ipamukha sa kanya na wala din siyang kwentang ina.

Na sana pinalaki niya ako ng maayos, na sana nung bata ako hindi niya ako pinapagalitan sa maliliit na bagay. Na sana hindi niya ako pinapalo ng hanger o tsinelas palagi.

I wouldn't be like this if she raised me up differently.

Oo, okay lang naman maging strict eh. Just don't go too overboard. Because what she did to me back then is child abuse.

I once told her that I'm going to tell the police about it but I remember her saying these words:

"Sige! Isumbong mo ko! Para wala ka nang mama, para makulong ako! Wala nang magaasikaso sayo! Hindi ka na makakapag aral!"

Her words scared me.

I love my mother, she's the one who gave birth to me, but its clear to me that she doesn't really love me like she loves my sister.

Wala nga palang pasok ngayon, di ko rin alam kung bakit pero walang pasok sabi ng teacher namin.

Its still early in the morning and I bet my friends are making the most out of it.

Sigurado akong si Lyvie, tanghali na magigising. Chineck ko kung online sila but they're active 7 hrs ago.

Nag decide ako na imbes matulog ay idaan ko nalang ang sama ng loob ko sa pag recopy ng notes ko. Sobrang gulo kasi.