Just another lonely girl

25

Tear flowing down my cheeks, holding tight into the pillow trying my best to stay silent.

Ayoko na.

He died because of me. He died because he loved me. He died because he felt betrayed. He died because he thought I loved him.

My heart, my chest feels like its burning and it hurts so much that I felt like dying.

I tried to strangle myself, I tried to bite my arms so hard. I tried to pinch my tummy so hard. Yet the pain didn't stop.

I felt so heavy and I couldn't help it but to cry more.

It was 2 o'clock in the midnight. All I hear is the cars passing by and few people outside.

I tried my best not to wake my mother and put on my least favorite hoodie.

I locked all the doors before going out of the house. My body is still shivering. I can already feel the rainy season coming by the winds blowing.

I silently cried while walking into the sidewalk.

Its already past midnight but I can still some people who's drinking alcohol inside their homes.

Some people who were wearing uniforms, couples who probably went on a date.

A group of friends who just got home, homeless people who sleeps beside a bank.

I feel like I didn't belong here. These people have so much going on with their lives. These people are happier than I am.

It felt so sad. So heavy.

"Iha okay ka lang" a middle aged woman suddenly approached me and asked

I couldn't answer since my voice would give it away.

I smiled at her and gave a thumbs up.

"Nako iha, alam ko yang galawan na yan! Napagdaanan ko na yan." The middle aged woman said

"Iha, kung ano mang problema mo, ipaubaya mo na yan kay Lord. Itanong mo sa kanya kung anong gustong mangyare ng Dyos sa sayo at kung anong gusto niyang gawin mo"

"Basta iha, kapag nagkaproblema ka, sa Dyos ka lang kakapit" The middle aged woman said and left me speechless in the middle of the sidewalk

"Lord...Dyos...God....?"

Eh bakit hindi ko naman siya nararamdaman? Oo kumakapit ako sa Dyos, Oo pinapaniwalaan ko siya. Oo mahal ko ako ng Dyos.

Pero di ko magawang hindi siya iquestion.

Bakit ba ganito yung buhay ko? Bakit ba lumaki ako na malungkot? Bakit ba lumaki ako na pakiramdam ko pinakakaisahan ako ng mundo? Bakit pakiramdam ko ako ang pinakamalas na tao sa mundo?

Bakit kahit kelan hindi ko magawang tumawa ng walang halong pagpepeke? Bakit kahit kelan hindi ko magawang maging masaya sa mga taong mahal ko? Bakit kahit kelan hindi ko magawang mahalin ang sarili ko? Bakit kahit kelan hindi ko magawang maging masaya?

I know I'm still lucky because of what I have. May natitiran ako, may nakakain ako, nakakapagaral ako at may kung ano ano ang mga material na hindi lahat ng tao ay makakakuha.

Pero bakit kahit alam kong mas mapalad ako sa ibang tao, bakit pakiramdam ko na mas masaya pa yung ibang tao kaisa sa akin? Bakit pakiramdam ko mas swerte sila?

I never wished this life. But it doesn't mean that I'll stop living.

Kahit sobrang hina ng loob ko ngayon. Kahit sobrang down ko ngayon. Kahit gusto ko nang mawala para matigil na to. Kahit ganito ang situation ko hindi ako tatakas.