Just another lonely girl

5

I woke up still feeling exhausted. I couldn't really sleep. For what I know, I've only slept for 2 hours.

I was suppose to sleep early and by 9 PM, I was already laying in my bed.

But I kept thinking of the things that may happen tomorrow and then suddenly...I cried for the whole night.

I keep remembering the things that made me like this. My mind keeps on replaying the scene where my mother hit me when I was young because I lost all my pencils. I remember when she pushed me onto the ground because the chocolate I had in my bag melted and it caused a mess inside my bag.

I remember my mom scolding me for little and small things.

I remember her threatening me that she will burn me using an iron. I remember her forcing me to lie to my dad. I remember how my dad broke down when he got the news, that my mom is marrying an old guy.

For that whole night, I wondered how I survived all these years with my mom.

I told my father and sister about this. But what did they do? Nothing?

Its because they know that they couldn't do anything to stop my mom to do whatever she likes.

I took a shower and change into my uniform. I didn't bother to eat and I went to school.

I smiled as I enter the room, pretending that I'm okay. My classmate noticed my pale face and dead-like lips.

"Grabe sobrang namumutla ka" A classmate said

"Oh please, maputi lang ako!" Sabi ko at nagtawanan nalang kami.

Back then I was this shy and quiet kid at class, I usually write poems that are quiet edgy and you can say that its all about seeing the dark.

My old friend thought it was a song lyrics but then saw my name, realizing that its my work.

Ever since then, he started calling me depressed and he would always blackmail me that he would tell everyone about that poem.

I'm not depressed. That is unless a doctor told me that I'm depressed. Because depression is a big word. It should not be taken as a joke or self diagnose yourself with it.

My friends and I started talking but I didn't really talk. Its because I somehow feel not connected with them anymore.

Sometimes there are time where you feel so disconnected to the world and it feels like you are left out.

They are happy, they are smiling. They are having a great time. While I'm not.

They don't even know that I'm going through something. They ask me if I'm fine and I say yes.

My friends do not believe me and I try to believe at myself that I'm fine.

I want to be fine. I want to be that everyday normal girl. The girl who doesn't have family problems. The girl who is always happy. I wanna be as excited like them. I wanna be confident.

I want to be satisfied with my life. I want to be all of that. I have tried, but everytime I do...I keep going back on who I really am.

The girl who keeps on pretending that its fine. The girl who still smiles behind pain. The girl that was never really fully accepted on who she was.

"Kari, okay ka lang?" Jiane asked

"Ano ba yan, why are you asking again?!" I said like I'm angry but its still okay that she did ask me but I'm just irritated kapag may nagtatanong ng ganun.

Di ko kasi alam kumg sasabihin ko ba yung totoo na hindi ako masaya o magsisinungaling at sasabihin na okay lang naman ang nangyayare sa buhay ko.

I feel guilty for always lying to my friends. Pero para sa kanila din yun. Para wag na silang magalala sa mga nangyayare sa buhay ko at magcontinue on lang sila sa mga happy days nila.

Well, the thing is I'm also not that sure that my friends are doing well. From what I see from the outside, they're happy but are they really?

Exam is coming up and I'm really tired. Super dami na nga na projects, tapos humahabol pa kami sa lessons. Tapos dumagdag pa ang mga taong nagpapasakit ng ulo ko.

I wanted to study with my friends but parang ayaw ko na. I feel like I won't be able to focus with them.

I wore my jacket because its getting cold in our classroom. Nakinig ako ng discussion but medyo nalulutang ako in between.

I think I'll just have to ask Jb  what is the discussion all about.

When our class finally ended, we decided to stay at the convenience store to chill for a minute.

"Guys lapit na exam, group study tayo" Rainer suggested

"Di ako pwede ahahaha" sagot ni Lyvie. Kahit nga hindi na siya sumagot ay alam na namin na hindi siya papayagan.

And dahil hindi sasama si Lyvie, halos lahat kami ay hindi narin sumangayon sa suhestyon ni Rainer

"What if after our exam, punta tayo sa bahay ni Lyvie. Karaoke ulit tayo" suggest naman ulit ni Rainer at nag yes kaming lahat.

Last exam na kasi namin. After the exam week, ay bakasyon na.

Which is probably the best for my mental health. Because school just makes me crazy.

I went home with Jiane and Lyvie. Si mama agad ang hinanap ko pagkauwi ko at nakita ko siya sa kusina.

"Oh kain ka na" sabi naman niya

"Okay, bihis lang ako" sabi ko at umakyat sa aking kwarto.

I was about to change into my pambahay clothes but napahiga ako and felt nice and comfty.

I barely got any sleep and I really wanted to rest. Alam kong magagalit sa akin si mama dahil by now ay naglalagay na yun ng kanin sa plato ko, but I decided to close my eyes anyways.

Maya maya, ang aking masarap na pakiramdam ay napalitan ng batok.

"Hoy diba sinabi mo kakain ka?! Tapos tutulog tulog ka? Ha!?" Sabi ni mama at hinampas ako ng hanger.

Natrigger ako and once again naalala ko na naman ang mga araw at oras na minamaltrato niya ako.

I started crying and lalo pa niya akong pinaghahahampas. I know that she really hates it when she hears someone cry.

"Ma! Pagod ako! At saglit lang naman ako humiga!" Rason ko

"Anong saglit?! At bakit di mo pa nililigpit yang mga gamit mo sa school ha?!" Sabi niya at kinuha ang notebook ko na nakalapag sa kama at hinampas ako gamit nito.

Lumabas siya ng kwarto and I still kept on crying.

Bakit ba hindi nila maintindihan? Pagod na pagod na ako! Hindi lang sa walang katapusan na school work kundi pagod na rin ako sa kanila!

Ang sarap nalang mawala in thin air eh! I hope that I'm gone. I hope that I would just disappear!

And I don't even care if my friends and my family cries.

I want them to feel the regret. I want them to regret that they treated me like a garbage. I want them to feel like the worst person on earth.

I started hyperventilating and I started holding my head like I'm some kind of crazy person.

I searched for my phone and search Jiane's name.

I decided to send her a farewell message. That if I go crazy and decided to kill myself, they should take care always.

But then someone with an unknown number send me a msg.

From: 09*********

  Hey, ako yung lalaki natapunan mo ng dalawang beses :) I saw you earlier going to bathroom and I noticed that you're crying. Whatever the reason is, always remember that God is always here to hear you out.

9-27-17     17:36

How did he get my number?!