Just another lonely girl

28

Atrena's memories

Family. They say that 'blood is thicker than water'. But is it really?
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My dream were crushed when I was still innocent and young. My biggest dream were shattered by my own mother.

"Tsk! Ano pa naman yan, buhay pa nga yung tunay na ama naghahanap na ng iba! Mukhang pera talaga!" My uncle said. I'm scared to come closer since tito is shouting. I walk upstairs and saw my sister reading her textbook, half sister.

"Ate, bakit nagsisigawan si lola at si tito?" I asked out of curiousity.

"Kasi ganito yan" she said as she stood up and sit beside me.

"May asawa na si mama. Hindi yung papa mo." She said. She's probably expecting a tear but I didn't. This is where I learn how to bottle up my feelings.

"Ah okay" I acted like I didn't care at all. But in all honesty...I want to cry, I want to say no, that she shouldn't have done that, that its wrong. But what can I do? I'm still young and powerless that time.

I went downstair as the phone rang. I got excited knowing its a call from mom from Japan.

"Maaa!!"

'Oh anak? Kamusta?'

"Okay po ang first day ko sa school, may kaibigan na ako!" Pagyabang ko pa, kahit hindi totoo.

'Edi maganda! Basta paguwi ko ah dapat behave!'

"Opo mama, para paguwi niyo po ikakasal na kayo ni papa!"
I slipped.

"Ay! At para po marami akong chocolates!" I said as I gave the telephone to my sister.

I went upstairs and go towards our bed.

At a very young age, Its sad to know that I already know all of it. Di nila tinago sa akin. Not like those parents who wait for kids to be older to say those things.

My childhood is worst than I thought. I never expected how my childhood went.

My mom went home from japan. During those times, I went to grade 1. We switch apartment.

When we are putting things inside the house. I saw my mom's true attitude. Its also the first time I saw her clearly.

She pushed me and scold me for blocking the stairway. She also threw my taho in the trashcan because I accidently poured some at the ground.

I cried and cried. My uncles are the only one to comfort me that time.

To be honest. At that young age, I already think like grown up kid. I'm that friendless kid at school.

My mom and I fought a lot over small or big things.

It became a habit of mine.

They said that my devil horns are starting to show. My strong glares, and my defensive hands to avoid her hitting me.

I rarely see my dad during those days.

My mom started to brainwash me that my dad is a player, a fucboi, drug user.
But she couldn't fool me.

Its funny how she lie when I already know the full explaination.

He's not a player and a fucboi. Dad rejected that girl who can do anything for her for that filthy gold digger, my mom. He was blinded. He thought she love him trully, but I guess she didn't.

My dad isn't a drug user. He can't even drink alcohol and smoke. He's that innocent man everyone want to have.

I love my dad. More than my mom.

My relationship with my mom grew apart.

Then I met my old friends. Miyara and Seleneah.

Those were my happy days.
Freedom and Independence.

Rebel.Lies.Rebel then repeat.

I feel invulnerable those days.

I felt happy but my mom isn't

She despises her.

She hates how she acts, she doesn't want her to be my bestfriend.

Then there my friendship with Jiane started to broke apart.

She was there when my mom and I fought. She let Jiane watch everything I do and report.

She keeps following me the whole day! Kulang nalang yata magcr siya kasama ako.

Ofcourse dahil isa akong demonyo dati. I didn't care about mom's word nor Jiane's word. Miyara, Seleneah and I bullied Jiane for following me and call her a dog with a pink jacket. I felt like I was a mean girl with devilish actions. I feel happy but it didn't feel right. Jiane was there to help me in other thing but I keep pushing her away.

Then we continued our daredevil adventurious devil attitude. We go there and there and that.

Then my mom really hated me those days. I guess those times, she was right, they were bad influences.

Then days later, Lyvie and our friendship drift apart but we're still friends. She's avoiding us. She stop hanging out with us...those days I knew that nothing is off but I know she's starting to feel out of the group

The next year, the group fought, divided in two. Me and Lyvie, Seleneah and Miyara.

After a week, it was fixed. But we feel away than we are before. Lyvie and I got closer and Miyara and Seleneah also got more closer. Miyara and Seleneah had their makeup bonds during that fight days. Lyvie and I do what we usually do, but those days, where Lyvie showed her real feelings. She is hurt.

After months. We guys fought again. Its where I started to regret shitz. Where I want to die in massive hell. We fought because of me.

But I guess, everything happens for a reason. Shigang wouldn't exist if none of those happened, and If that didn't happen, I probably is taken advantage off still now.

Oh wait, whats the topic?

Yeah right, Family.

Why am I even telling all of this?

I'm in a black room. Theres no entrance nor exit. I'm not  planning to go out anyways.

A light came in front of me.
Things started to show up.

...Mycen

"Mahal ko siya eh. Anong magagawa ko"

"Oo alam ko, nagpapakatanga nalang ako eh! Pero anong magagawa ko? Mahal ko siya"

"He's my first love. The first time you'll feel special, first time you'll feel important."

"Oo alam ko, masyadong korni, pero one day maiintindihan mo rin"

"What a liar talaga siya"

"Pero mahal ko eh kaya papaniwalaan ko."

I forgot how dumb I was back then. To keep holding unto him.

In all honesty, may spark parin, may feelings parin eh.
Pero...ewan ko.

I feel that I get what I want but not what I need. It sucks.

Family, Friends, Love...

Those are parts of our lives.

Pain, fake smiles, tears

Are also part of our lives.

But theres something only almost a half of this world experienced

Ruined family, Ruined Friendships, Ruined relationships.

Anxiety, Depression, Hatred

Have you experienced those?