Life is Hell

Chapter One - My Own Personal Hell

Last night my sister didn't come home after she sneaked out to escape her grounding. She wasn't always like this, but it hurt to see her like this. Nothing of the girl she is now reminded of the girl she was just two years ago. The bubbly, young teenager that adored her father. Sadly there was no father to adore anymore. He died in a car accident that mom blamed herself for a couple of months. She kept saying if I hadn't had to pick up those groceries, he wouldn't have gotten into that car. I couldn't listen to her any longer. It made me sick listening to all that bullshit she said. That bullshit she says about my fathers death, my sister, her deadbeat boyfriend and more importantly about me. Not only my sister changed after his death, so did I. We both aren't the same girls anymore we were all those years ago.

My sister chose the path of rebellion to grief our father, while I chose a completely different path. I cut myself off from the world, locking myself into my room, crying most of the time and- What I'm trying to say, I went down the dark path.

"Clare, have you heard from your sister?" My mother asked as she placed some pancakes in front of me. "No, do I look like I have heard from anyone?" I asked her, more snapped at her. This was a side effect from my condition, I didn't care anymore. I didn't care if I hurt someone, because no one was going to be as hurt as I was. No one was able to understand what I was going through, not even Chloe. "Clare, please. I'm trying here" My mom said. You could see in her eyes that she had no idea how to handle me or how to control me and stop me from doing something stupid. "I just answered your question" I said, still looking at the stack of pancakes in front of me, but I wasn't really hungry. "I'm going to get ready for school" I said and wanted to get up. "Stop!" My mom said strict and loud "You are not getting up from that table until you ate something! I already lost your father, I don't want to lose you too!" She said and I let out a laughter "Yeah and replaced him pretty fast. What's going to happen when I die? Will you replace me too?"

"Clare, David is not supposed to replace your father. No one can replace him!" She said, but I didn't really believe her. "Then why is he trying mom? Why is he trying to be a father to me? Why is he trying to be a father to Chloe? Why is he always on her back because of her getting into trouble, huh? Explain that to me! Doesn't that sound like a father to you!?" I asked upset, getting up from my chair. "Clare!" She warned me. Apparently she didn't like hearing the truth. "What?" I asked, grabbed one of the pancakes and took a bite from it. I chewed and swallowed it in front of her, then opened my mouth and showed her that it was empty "Happy now? I ate something!" I said, threw the rest of the pancake back onto the plate and went upstairs to my room.

Once I was inside, I locked it and leaned against the door, taking a deep breath in, releasing it right after. I started feeling how my eyes formed tears and how they rolled down my cheeks. If you think this was an one time event, you're wrong! This has been almost every morning ever since my father died and ever since the deadbeat boyfriend was a daily guest in this house. "Clare, hurry up! David's going to drive you to school!" My mom suddenly yelled. Of course he was here again.

I went to my closet, getting out a long sleeve shirt and some skinny jeans. I got changed, then did my make up, waterproof just in case, and my hair. I didn't do anything big with it. I mostly just brushed it and let it lie loose or pulled it up into a bun. I didn't put much effort into my appearance since I didn't have the right to look better than this. I looked to my right, where my desk was placed. Then my eyes fell onto the framed photo that has been standing there since years. It was a family portrait. Chloe and I were still close and so adorably young. Dad was a happy man, with the happiest wife and the happiest children. The thing is, Chloe and I were always closest to our dad than our mom. She never really understood the two of us and she most definitely wasn't the parent with the parenting skills.

If she wouldn't have pushed us away after our dad died, maybe Chloe wouldn't be as rebellious as she was now and maybe I wouldn't have been suicidal.

I felt another warm tear roll down my eyes, but wiped it away immediately. I grabbed my bag and phone, not that anyone ever called or texted me, other than my mother or her deadbeat boyfriend. I pushed it into my pocket, unlocked the door of my room and went outside, almost running into Chloe. Apparently she did come home last night, just no one noticed. "Morning" She said as an attempt to make conversation with me. "Morning" I replied and walked downstairs, leaving her behind.

"David's waiting outside. Have a good day at school" Mom said, handing me my lunch, although I probably wouldn't eat it anyways. Most of the time I end up giving my lunch to someone that needed it more than me, like that one kid that got bullied from the jocks and robbed of his lunch or his lunch money.

Mom made an attempt to hug me, but I just opened the door and walked outside, slamming it close. "Where's your sister?" David asked me as I walked towards him and the car. "How should I know?" I asked and threw my bag on the backseat. "Clare, could you at least try to be nice to me?" He asked and I looked at him "Can you try not to replace my father? You will never be able to do that!" I said. "I'm not trying to, I'm just trying to help your mother!" "Then stop! Or do you want to explain to her why her daughter jumped in front of a train or slit her wrists? Because I won't be able to" I said and got in.

I was waiting for my sister to come that we could finally drive off. I looked into the big, empty nothingness, ignoring all the sounds and noises around me. I only felt how the front doors of the car were opened and David and Chloe got in, sitting down in the two front seats. They were talking about something, but I didn't hear them. I didn't want to hear them, all I wanted was to get out of this car again as fast as possible. I felt like I was in a cage and I started getting sweaty and the fear building up in my stomach.

As soon as the car stopped, I pushed the door open and almost jumped out of it, trying to catch my breath. This my dears, was me, having a panic attack in a tin can. Once I finally calmed down and relaxed my breathing, I got up from the ground and grabbed my bag. David was looking at me in worry or something you could mistake for worry. I looked at him "Thanks a lot" I said before walking off. Chloe was nowhere to be seen, so I'm guessing she walked off as soon as she had the chance. I walked off towards the stage that was place on the schools ground. There was a sign, telling me that trespassing was forbidden, but I couldn't care less and sat down on it. 

I took my water battle and started drinking some of it. If I didn't eat, I should at least take care of my water needs. I packed the bottle away and took a paper tissue and started wiping the sweat of. "Miss Price" I suddenly heard Principal Wells say. I slowly lifted my head to look into his face. "Principal Wells" I said, my voice didn't have any emotions in it. "Did you not see the sign?" He asked and I looked at him "I'm sorry, I just needed some place to sit, to calm down from my panic attack" I told him. He knew about my condition, so I thought it was best to just tell him what's wrong with me. "Should I accompany you to the nurse's office?" He asked. "No, that place will only make it worse" I told him and got up. "I'm truly sorry" I said, grabbed my back and rushed off.