Life is Hell

Chapter Twenty - Birthday with the Ambers

"I look ridiculous!" Chloe said, although she wasn't even wearing a dress or anything near that. I was actually wearing one, making sure my arms were covered, since Rachel's birthday wasn't really the reveal of my illness that I wanted. This was Rachel's day, although her parents didn't seem to care so much about that, I did and so did Chloe and I think even Nathan cared and he had nothing to do with Rachel, well except for Drama Lab.

"If anyone looks ridiculous, it's me! I don't see you trying to hide your arms like your life depends on it" I told her, grabbing my phone. We got out the house before our mom could stop us. "How will we get there?" Chloe asked. "Nathan's going to pick us up" I said and sat down at the curb. "The boy is fourteen. He can't have a driver's license" Chloe said. "But his driver does" I said and just a short time later a huge car stopped in front of us. "Woo.." Chloe said shocked as Nathan opened the door and got out. "Hey" He said and helped me up and briefly kissed me.

"Okay, enough of that bullshit!" Chloe said and climbed into the car, then Nathan helped me in as well, then got in himself. He pulled the door close and puts his arm around me, holding onto me. Holding me, just being there for me. It felt good for about a minute or two, but then it just felt forced. I felt how the emotions, all the good emotion I've been fighting to hold onto slowly disappeared again.

When we arrived at Rachel's, we all got out and went into the backyard where the Amber's held the barbecue for their daughters birthday. Sera wasn't there. I bet Rachel didn't even want her there. If I could I would take back my invitation for my mom for my birthday, but there was no way she would just let the day pass by like no special. "Want something to eat?" Nathan asked, but I declined. I really didn't want anything to eat right now! Not the way I was feeling right now. "I'll look for Rachel to congratulate her. Wait for me?" I asked.

"I'm coming with you" He said "I need to congratulate her too!" "Fine" I said and walked ahead. "Clare, you came" She said and hugged me. "Not gonna miss the party of the year" I said with a fake smile on. "Don't know about that. It's pretty boring" She replied. "How can anything be boring when it involves Rachel Amber?" I asked. "I'm not that great" Rachel said, but I saw it otherwise. Everyone did. "The Rachel Amber isn't that great? Seriously? Everybody knows you and my sister loves you to pieces" I said. "Does she now?" Rachel asked. "I'm sure of it. I've never seen her the way she is around you" I told her.

"I'll remember that" Rachel said. "Happy birthday by the way" I said and she smiled at me. "Thank you Clare, although I doubt it's going to be a happy one. Not with everything that happened" She said and looked away. "I guess it was quiet a lot. I can't even imagine what you are going through" I said. "Yeah, I can't either. It's like I don't know who I am anymore" "Yeah, I know the feeling. Like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up" I said. "Exactly" Rachel said. She had no idea how serious I was about that, while Rachel didn't mean it at all. She was just feeling like that in the moment, but not her whole life. I've been feeling like this since years and that all because my mother refuses to see what was actually going on with me.

Maybe she does see it, but she refuses to, because she is ashamed of me. What she doesn't realize that she is losing her daughters, both of them, after losing her husband a few years ago.

"Happy birthday Rachel" Nathan interrupted my thoughts. "Thank you Nathan" She replied "I'm going to look for Chloe" She said and walked off. "Then we'll take over the buffet" Nate said and pulled me over to it. I grabbed a small bowl of fruit salad, while Nathan took way more. "Why are you so close to Victoria?" I asked curious. "Are you jealous?" He asked, sitting down. "No, just curious. I mean you threw Chloe under the bus, but saved Victoria because she tricked her with science" I said, eating my fruit salad. "Victoria and I arrived here at the same time. We're both into photography and got friends quick" He explained. "But she's so... mean" I said, trying to find the right words without being like Victoria. "She is when you get to know her better. In fact, why don't you two just hang out with each other?" Nathan suggested.

"No!" I immediately replied. "What do you mean no? Victoria is a close friend of mine and you are my girlfriend. I'm trying to get along with your sister as well, why don't you try hanging out with Victoria just once?" He asked and I sighed. I just couldn't say no to his beautiful blue eyes. "Fine" I said, putting a smile on Nathan's lips. "Thank you, that means a lot to me" He said and gave a light squeeze to my hand.

After we finished eating, I excused myself and went to the house. I wanted to get to the bathroom. "Clare darling, it's so nice to see you here" Mrs. Amber said. "Thank you, but I was actually going to the bathroom. "Do you know where it is?" She asked and I shook my head no. "Upstairs. It's the door with the sign bathroom on it. Rachel made that when she was a child-" "As much as I would like to hear childhood stories about Rachel, but I really need to pee" I said, trying to stay as polite as possible. "Of course. Come find me later" She said and I nod, before skipping up the stairs. I hurried into the bathroom and locked the door.

Of course I didn't have to pee, but something else was going on. I felt how my stomach rejected the food I had just eaten. I tried to ignore the feeling that told me that I wasn't hungry and ate anyways. Now I was feeling sick and my mind wanted to get rid of the food inside my stomach. I might have gained some pounds over the past weeks, but now I was at a point, where my mind didn't want that.

I walked up and down in the bathroom, not taking my eyes off the toilet. "Oh fuck it!" I said and went over to it, opened it and threw up into it. I hated throwing up, but I just had to. Once I was done, I slowly let myself slide away from the toilet and sat down beside it. I bet I had tears in my eyes all over again. Right now I felt like nothing had changed. Technically I felt that way since my fight with Frank. After a few minutes I got up, flushed and went to the sink, cleaning myself off. After I was done, I looked into the mirror and fixed my make up.

After I was done, I put a smile on and rejoined Nathan. "What took you so long?" He asked, putting an arm around me "Never used the bathroom here. I had to look for it" I said, lying my head onto his shoulder.