Life is Hell

Chapter Twenty Nine - Silence

Frank, Rachel and I agreed never to speak about today to anyone and I swore to myself never to touch a gun again. I'm- I'm a 15 year old murder. How did it get so far?! How could I go this far? How will I be able to live with myself from that day on? How did I even make it to the following week. I guess everyone was way too happy about me going back to my sweet self than to worry about what the reason might be. Rachel and I haven't spoken since that day and I don't know if we'll ever speak again. After all it was her mother and her sister that I killed back there.

"Clare?" Nathan's soft voice ripped me out of my thoughts. "Yeah, I'm sorry" I said to him, then looked at the older man sitting opposite of us. Dr. Jacoby, Nathan's therapist. "If you want to start, Clare" He said and I looked at Nathan. "It will be alright! I'm right here beside you" He said and grabbed my hand, giving it a light squeeze.

"When I was twelve, my father died in an car accident when he wanted to pick up my mom from work because she went grocery shopping afterwards. He never made it there. I don't know what hit him, I just know that the car was a write-off. It's at the junkyard now" I said and made a pause to calm myself down, so I wouldn't start crying. "Were your friends or your mother there for you after it happened?" He asked. I shook my head no "I pushed my friends away, especially my best friend and my mom was busy blaming herself for his death to actually care what was going on with me. My sister and I used to be so close, but through dad's death, we grew apart. It's like he was the glue that kept us together and without him, we just didn't have a reason to stick together anymore" I said, feeling uncomfortable.

Nathan noticed that and put his arm around me, to show me he would protect me. "Did your friends try to get back in contact with you?" "Warren did, but I pushed him away. I wanted to be alone, I thought if I let him back in, something bad will happen to him as well. I couldn't let that happen!" I said "then there was Juliet, but she never tried to be my friend again. We're just acting like we never knew each other in any way. Same is basically with Dana. We just grew apart and never looked back. We're total strangers now" I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that. What else did change after your father's death? Nathan mentioned something about a mental problem" He said and I sighed "I developed a depression and an eating disorder. I mean, I basically gave up eating completely" I stopped. It was hard for me to tell him more. Nathan notice that and took over "Clare has also been cutting herself and has a few suicide attempts behind her" He said, pulling the arms of my sweater up, revealing the scars to the therapist. "And the hospital let you go? Just like that without any kind of therapy?" He asked.

"They had no idea, my mom covered it with some stupid story each and every time!" I was crying by now, even if I tried to keep it in. "I seriously recommend for you to get into a treatment into a clinic. Otherwise you will never get better" He said. "That wasn't everything" I said and looked down. Nathan was confused. He didn't know more about my condition. "I started eating again, but it didn't take long for me to develop bulimia. All I want is to get better, but I don't know how! We can't afford some fancy clinic!" "I told you, the Prescott's will cover it. My dad is actually impressed by me sticking to your side and not giving you up, defending you in front of him. He offered to pay for the treatment!" Nathan said and my crying got heavier, but not because I was desperate, no. It was because I was relieved I won't have to feel like this for the rest of my life, which would have gotten a lot shorter than it can be now.

"Then get me into treatment" I said.

After the therapy session I hugged Nathan and I refused to let go of him. "Thank you so much, you have no idea how much I love you!" I said. "No problem Clare! I love you too and I knew you needed this session much more than me. All I would have talked about would have been Drew North and his bully friends. Letting you have this session was actually worth my father's money" He said and kissed my forehead. "What would I do without you?" I asked him, pulling him as close as possible. "Honestly, I don't want to find out" He replied and I nod agreeing. I never want to find out who I would be without him. His love was giving me strength. Strength I wouldn't have without him.

Back home I hid away in my bedroom. I already knew my mother wouldn't be happy about me going to therapy. She still refuses to believe that my position was lethal and that I could snap at any time. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but Chloe's yelling kept me up. Forgetting I wasn't wearing a long sleeve I went downstairs to find my sister and mother fighting once again. Chloe was apparently desperate to get me into therapy. "God dammit mom! What the hell are you waiting for?! What do you need to happen?! Do you want to wait for Principal Dickhead to call you to inform you that your daughter committed suicide on school grounds?! Is that what will wake you up from your denial?!" She yelled, but mom only looked at me with her eyes widen.

"What's going on here?" I asked, my eyes must still be red from crying. "Are you happy now that you let it get this far!?" Chloe asked. My mom was staring at my arms. My many scars that you couldn't cover with anything but a long sleeve. "Oh my god!" She said, covering her mouth in shock.  "Are you happy now!?" Chloe asked, putting her arms around me. "I'm so sorry Clare. I would get you help in an instant if I could" Chloe said. "That's okay, the Prescott's are taking care of it" I said, before going back upstairs, followed by Chloe.