Handwritten Words

Pressing Mute

Growing up, I could talk about anything. Even when I was playing on my own, I'd talk and talk and talk without caring if I was too loud or even too quiet. But even then, I never liked being too quiet. Quiet was not even a word in my dictionary. But I guess that's normal for any child, right? Or maybe I am wrong? Or am I right? What? You see, that is where I have gone wrong. 
As I have grown up, I have somehow learned to care what people say. There are people in the world who can care less about what society does or what the mouths of other come to spill, but I do. I am one of those people. What do I think about that? To me, that's a curse.
I have not have such a great life. I mean, I went from playing with doors, then to being tortured and touched, to wishing everyday that I could just be happy. Now that I am 14 years old, that wish still has yet to fade. Every birthday, every dream, is blowing away a hope of happiness coming to me one day. 

Recently, I have come across a big problem in which has put me to become paranoid and quiet and very shield. I expressed my happiness once, it my whole life, including myself, comes down shattering into pieces. Is that what I really deserve? I have no idea. I have come to the point of not knowing what I am doing right or what I am doing wrong. I get destroyed doing something bad and also doing something good. I have no idea what to do anymore.

You see, there are people in this world that want to see you happy. There are people in this world who dont want to see you happy. As much as that may be true, you can honestly become really tired of that crap. That is how I feel. I am tired. Tired of trying to be happy, tired of being loud and trying to be heard, tired of faking a smile and trying to open up. I am just tired.

My mind wonders if my wish will ever come true. That wish of happiness. But maybe I just might grow tired of wishing that as well. My loudness is fading and the quietness is kicking in. I am breaking apart, all over again. Now, I grow grey in bed. Only sleeping, dreaming of a better world. A fantasy, better said.

I am simply pressing mute.