Handwritten Words

How it feels to be me

Imagine being that black sheep in the middle of white. Cliché, true, but I tend to be way too different for most.

This brings me to my next point.

Imagine being at a table with your only one weird friend. Maybe most can relate, but would you still relate if I told you that all your other friends are not sitting around at the table with you because they look down at you and dont like your differences?

Exactly.

Imagine yourself in a home, sitting on a brown couch that has existed longer than ages. You're on your phone, texting more than usual, everything seems to be normal.

But it's not.

You can feel someone's back eyes staring at you with hate and jealousy. Oh, this is no friend, if that's what you thought. It's your own aunt that hates you. Yes, family. 

Imagine sitting in the bathroom, a tiny bathroom, sobbing and crying your eyes out. Anyone would do that, right? But imagine this with a bloody blade right next to you and new scars bleeding in front of your eyes on your arm.

Too dark? Well, not everyone's life is beautiful and bright as they seem to be at times. Here is an example.

Imagine yourself at school. You're taking a test, so you have a divider surrounding you. Not only does this divider hide your answers that you mark on the piece of paper in front of you, but it hides the forming tears in your eyes and the sadness that hides behind that fake ass smile that you put everyday, fooling everyone.

Once that divider comes down, you smile right then and there. You can brag to everyone how good you think you did on your test, but inside, you're not screaming how good you must have done, you are screaming how you just wish you weren't here living on planet Earth.

Alright. I'll give you a break. Let's get happy for a moment.

Imagine yourself on an empty dance floor, wearing something that you truly love or have dreamed of wearing one day. A bright spot light is on you. You don't feel happiness, but you do feel hope. You wait for something magical to happen, but nothing does happen. Before you could give up, you hear footsteps.

The one you have looked up to for more than 1 year, or 2, is making their way over to you, making you feel like you are riding a cloud. You feel free and an overwhelming amount of joy. Now, you feel happy. When they grab you to dance, you don't feel your feet moving, you can only feel how fast your heart is beating and their hand up against yours.

But then the spotlight goes out and darkness is what now surrounds you. That person is not there anymore, but you don't feel sad for the moment ending, you feel glad for that moment taking place for a split second.

Let that sink in.

That joy, is the only real joy that you have. The moments that you feel like you can fly because you actually feel loved and cared for and like someone actually wants to keep you. The moments you feel safe and secure and every scar is healed. The moments that burn in your mind, the moments you want to keep. That's the dose of happiness you get. So, when you do indeed get it, you enjoy it and adore it.

It's a very rare feeling.

That's how it feels to be me.