Handwritten Words

Superhero

What hurts is not that we could never make it. What hurts is not that I knew you never actually loved me. What hurts is not that we were on and off.
What hurts is that you never loved yourself. Never saw the light, that beautiful sparkle, that left your eyes. What hurts is that all you can really feel is pain. What hurts is that I could never do anything to help you. I knew that I couldnt help you.
I wanted to be your superhero. The one who'd fly to rescue you. I wanted to save you from this world and mute your ears when someone was hating. I wanted to love you, hold you, and reassure you that things would indeed be okay. But in my heart, in my soul, I knew that I can never save you. I can't even save myself.
I hurt. But I laugh. At night, I am scared to death because who knows if you'll even wake up in the morning. I knew that if you were still asleep, and never ever woke up, I'd blame myself. But I know it wasnt me. You simply couldnt see. You were blinded by his stupidity.
I loved you. I love you. I adored you. I'll always adore you and I'm sorry that I can never say this to your face. Just because I cant look in your eyes and say these words, that does not mean that it's not true. I say this because I know that only tears would fall and the words would stay. And even if I choked some out, you wouldnt listen. All you would really hear is the demons in your head. All you will see in a person that you struggle to trust. All you'll see is a person that struggles to be enough.
The day that you leave this world, will be the end of me as well. I dont mean that I'll jump off a cliff, but I'll jump out of my recovery and possible spend months or even years in the hospital. I can play your role as well. The day you leave me, the day you leave this world, my heart will die because my heart was all yours. 
At the end of the day, I just wanted to be you superhero. One that knows there is no end to you bloody of a hell ways. I could say, "I tried," "I gave up," but those words mean nothing. You dont see it, but my heart breaks inside. I cry tears at night. I hold it in. I stay strong. If I could, I'd switch places with you. You could be me and I could be you. I'll live through yours struggles, you've clearly had enough. 

I just wanted to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. But why do you have to stay the same? Why do your scars never fade? Why does your heart always break? Why do you always walk the same way? Many words can escape my mouth to you right here, right now, as I sit next to you. But they will never be enough. I'm sorry that I could never be your hero. I am sorry that I could never be the one. I am sorry that you want him. I am sorry that you need him. I am sorry that he clearly is enough. 

But he was no superhero.

He was the villian.