Musings of an INFJ

Yearning

I yearn. 

Ugh. Yearn.  Such an ambiguous word. It is like a deep nagging sadness, a thirst, a hunger, a desire for something I want but can not attain.  I want to feel satisfied all the way to my very soul.  Even if it is for just a second--let me capture it and hold it and remember how it felt to be complete--even just for one transient moment.

Not easily explained in words, I try to define what I can do to soothe this yearning inside of me.  This eludes me constantly and makes me feel this underlying frustration that I push into the recesses of myself where I can tuck it away for another day.  Smile outwardly. Make small talk. Do my business and ignore what makes me yearn.

Maybe I yearn for understanding?  For acceptance that I feel--not the kind that someone else tells me they "have" for me.  It is so easy to say those words:  I accept you--but the part that is missing when I hear those words is that extra added gift of where I can intuitively know it is true.  It never feels genuine. It feels like people are "going through the motions" and not connecting on a soul level.  I want that.  I want to be entwined with someone who gets that about me.  So I can share it too.  When I say something it is because I have chosen my words from a thoughtful, meaningful, authentic place.  Because I want the other person to feel how much I care about them.   I do this with almost every interaction--intentionally. 

So maybe that means I yearn for trust?  Trusting that another person is authentically interacting with me.  Not just saying things to say them--but actually expressing genuine, thoughtful understanding. I just can not feel that from another person.  Is it there? Or are my instincts letting me down?  I have a small inner circle but I often feel like I am still alone.  I can go through the daily platitudes and hopefully brighten another's day, but when do I get the gritty, deep conversations that I think helps us grow?  Who can I trust enough to ask that be valuable to them as much as it is for me?  Or can I expect that I should not even have to ask. That this could be just the way it is when we engage in communication?

I do not often "blame" this on being INFJ, but being in a group of 1% of the population may be some of the reason I yearn.  Who else is out there like me needing something they can not quite find from others?  I do not want to be alone I want to reach out and connect. I just have not found another as intense as I can be sometimes.  I follow along with everyone else's expectations for common interactions, but when I ask for something that satisfies me I get blank stares and "gotta go" messages. 

So I think yearning is just something I have to deal with.  Press it down. And go on hoping one day I happen upon that Kindred Spirit that will understand me in ways I do not have to drag out of them--or teach them.

I do deeply love all of the people in my life and I am beyond grateful for each and every one.  If only I could not yearn...