Fucking Black Love (Marilyn Manson Fan-Fic)

Crazy Moments!!

//Victoria's p.o.v.://

In front of the hospital I sat on a bench and cried bitterly. Now I'm ner gonna see him again. He...is away. He is out of my life.... If I wanted a boyfriend I would have to find someone else...BUT I DON'T WANT SOMEONE ELSE!!! And the baddest thing is... I didn't say to him that I love him... I was more worried about myself...I didn't really think about his conditions... I only thought about myself... I am so... No... I was a bad girlfriend... Now I am nothing. I can't embrace Brian anymore, I can't kiss him anymore, I can't say that I love him anymore... The only thing I could do is standing in front of his dead body or in front of his tomb and say that I love him but... It wouldn't change a thing and it's no use. He can't hear it then.... And when he looked like a zombie... I COULD HAVE CHANGE IT!!! Why did I hear at him??!!! Only because he was the person I loved the most?? It is my fault that he died... Only my fault...
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder:"Hey bestie." I turned around. Jeordie?? What does he do here?? And from where does he know that I am here?? "Jeordie??" I only looked at him with my tearful eyes. "Yes... I am so sorry what happened... I know how you feel... Brian's parents told me everything and how you feel... I am there for you if you need somebody." He embraced me. "Thank you..." I cried more. Brian's death was more tragic for me as if a relative's death. Brian's was more than my boyfriend. He was my soulmate. I know there were complicate things but they aren't relevant. Every couple has complicate things in their relationship. But... Now I am happy Jeordie is there for me. He is one of the three persons (the other two are Cassandra and Ivy) I can really trust. "That's no problem. You are my best friend. I am always there for you." Jeordie said. "You are the best best friend I could ever have. Thank you for everything." I said. "That is no problem. If you wanna talk with me about something you can do it every time." He said. " I wanna talk with now." I said. I must tell  someone how I feel and why I think it's my fault. "Okay. About what do you wanna talk?" He asked. "I... I feel so guilty. Everything is my fault that he is dead. I could have change it, understand? I COULD HAVE CHANGE IT!!! But I was too dumb. I didn't listen to myself... He looked like a zombie when we went outside and I... I didn't call a doctor because he didn't want it. I WAS SO STUPID!!! And now it's too late... I am the reason why he is dead, you know?! It's only my fault!! It's not this fucking aneurysm, it's my fault!!!! Why did I hear at a sick boy??!!! Because I love him?!! I didn't strain my brain!!! I must be dead!!! Not he!!! And when we were alone in the room I only was worried about myself. Not about him... I didn't say that I love him... I only asked him which memories I could have from him.... That's more than stupid!!! And then... He died when we kissed us. And I have to promise him that I am not sad about his death. HOW CAN I NOT BE SAD ABOUT THAT??!!" I was more than upset. I think I have a meltdown now. But the only thing Jeordie did was embracing me:"I know it hurts but it's not your fault-..." I interrupted him:"It was! Who the fuck is listening to a sick human when he has bad conditions?! Nobody! I don't know why did it but I regret it..." "Victoria... I know it's a big big loss but... It's not your fault. It is nobody's fault, okay? He died because of this aneurysm. So don't down yourself, okay? Think about it: Brian will alwys be in your heart and NO ONE can replace him, okay?" It was so nice from Jeordie that he tries to encourage me. I think there is no better best friend on earth. "If you say it..." I meant and looked at the ground. But I know it's my fault. It doesn't care what other people say. "I do and now...don't be alone outside. His mother wants to talk with you about the funeral and about some other things." Jeordie stood up with me:"Okay..." Although I became sadder when I saw the hospital I went in. I know Brian wouldn't want that I am so sad like this. But I can't be happy anymore. He was the only wone who made me happy and he is gone...

*SKIPPING TIME*

Brian's parents, Jeordie and I were at Brian's old home. His mother told me one day Brian meant: if he dies all his things shall be in his coffin. Understandable anyway.
Jeordie and I were in his old bedroom. It looked as same as the first time I was here. His old destroyed bed, his shelves...  Everything was at the same place.
"Shall we begin?" Jeordie looked at me. I don't know why but... Suddenly I became poor. But why? I didn't drink too much alcohol, I didn't eat too much... Hmm... Maybe I'll become sick? And suddenly I became very tired. But why? I don't understand myself anymore. "Victoria? Everything okay?" Jeordie asked. "Huh? What? Yes, I am fine. I am only a bit tired and I feel a bit poor." I meant. "Are you sick?" Jeordie asked. Haha... This was my question to Brian...when we were in this little room in school... "...No I am fine." I began to put Brain's old clothes out of the shelves. But after a short moment my tits began to hurt. What the fuck is going on with me??? I don't want my tits become bigger now! They are big enough. But well... That's a minor matter.
After I put all his clothes out of his shelves I went to his desk. I opened a drawer and found... I found many pictures of myself. Brian drew me as a queen, as an angel, as his guardian... "Jeordie??" I asked. "Yes?" He looked at me. "I found some pictures of myself... Can you explain this?" I asked. I was a bit surprised anyway. I was a bit speechless. Especially because of the sentences which were under my portraits. For example: 'Thank you for protecting me from Manson' or 'If you weren't there for me all the time I would be already lost'. Oh my god... "Well...you were his soulmate. So... I think he wanted to show it. But I can tell you...his heart were broken when you split up. He nearly wanted to attempt suicide because of this. He felt so guilty for what he did that he couldn't forgive himself." Jeordie said. "Oh my god..." I got tears in my eyes. That is... That is... I can't find words... "That isn't true, is it?" "Sadly it is. That was Brian's character. When something was wrong or he thought it was his fault he scratched himself. And your split was his armageddon. But it was very good that everything changed." He meant. "Yes ir was..." While I thought of Brian I looked in the drawer. I took a little box and when I opened it I was...speechless, surprised... Everything. There was a ring and a little letter

This is for Victoria, my queen. This ring is for her. As pretty as her. This ring stands for our love, for our power... and she'll get it on the day of our 💍💍

What the fuck... Was that a ring for... He wanted to.... My hand began to tremble a bit:"Jeordie?? Can you explain what for a ring that is???" I had the feeling I couldn't breathe. That was too much!! He looked at it and read the letter:"I swear I didn't know he bought the ring. And I didn't know he wanted to marry you. I am...speechless." I put the ring out of the box and put it on my finger:"I know you would want it, Brian." Jeordie put his hand on my shoulder:"He would be happy and would love you even more if he saw that." Then Jeordie embraced me. Again I had tears in my eyes. I can't believe he wanted to marry me... That's so sweet but now... We can never do it... Suddenly I became very poor and tired. Why do I have that shit??? That's totally annoying.

Finally we were ready with his room. But I didn't feel very well. I was tired. I was hungry and not hungry and my tits hurt very much. Jeordie and I had put the thing from Brian's bedroom in boxes and walked to the living room with them. But while we went to the living room I became more and more tired. But why? I slept enough. Hmm... We put the boxes on the ground. Brian's mother always looked at me as if she asks herself something. But what? I only noticed my eyes were closed and I heard nothing.

"Victoria? Victoria, are you okay? Are you awake?" When I closed my eyes I saw Jeordie looked at me. "Huh? Yes I am awake." I answered. "You slept 10 minutes while you stood in front of the box. That's not normal." Brian's father said. Brian's mother still looked at me:"Victoria?" "Yes?" I asked. "Come with me. We go outside for a few minutes." She meant. "Uhm okay." I went with her outside. But where does she wanna go?
We went to the mall. "What do we do here?" I asked and looked at her. "Here, I think, you'll find the answer why you slept ten minutes while you stood. And I have an assumption because you look different. But I am not quiet sure." Brian's mother meant. I was very confused. What does she mean? I don't understand her. Hmm... When we went in a store she looked for pregnancy test and bought one. "Why did you boy a pregnancy test?" I looked at her. "For you. I think I am right with my assumption." Brian's mother meant. "Ohhhh nooo. I am not pregnant. I know that." I meant. "If you say that... But please try it... For me." She meant. "Uhm...okay, but only for you." I said. She began to smile.

When we were back I went to the bathroom and did what she said. But I don't think I am pregnant. I know myself. I would feel it. I would notice it anyway. But when I looked at it I knew I was wrong. The pregnancy test was positive. What the fuck???!!! But suddey I remembered Brian's words... That I can't forget him. And with a child from him... I can't forget him. But from where did he know that? Actually that's impossible. Hmm... Maybe his feeling said that I was pregnant. That's crazy. In general the day was crazy. First Brian died, then I found out he wanted to kill himself, then I found out he loved me so much that he drew many pictures of me and wanted to marry me and now I found out that I am pregnant in the fifth week. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???!!! But I don't wanna abort. I wanna have this child. For Brian, for his parents and for me. And when the child is there soon I can look at it and can a part of Brain's face. That would make me more than happy but sad anyway because I miss him so much. But... I'll see what happens.