Running In Circles // pjm.

Wait

I returned meekly to an empty, soundless house. The laughs and loud voices of the boys echoed in my ear as I lit a cigarette in my solitude.

Jimin and I had sat by each other at breakfast, his hand no longer concealing a secret- he clasped mine by the plates we ate on. The boys, too, adapted oddly fast to the scenario.

All day that day I couldn't shake off the unease that grew in my stomach as I stayed home, working quietly on my laptop. I distractedly designated it to my worry for Jimin's health, now that he had gone into all-day practice and recordings. I spent an entire day with no communication with anyone in the outside world, drowning my unease with naps and tea.

The next day at work I didn't see any of the boys and I worked with Mia in peace at the studio. And the evening after, my solitude was interrupted when my phone buzzed violently while I drank tea and worked silently.

Unknown Number: I'll come by for dinner. Don't eat without me.

In over the last two months, Jimin and I had engaged in all sorts of activities. But we never once had sat down to exchange our phone numbers.

The man had a key to my house and I did not even have his phone number. He never used it.

Despite knowing who it was, I responded.

Tara: Sorry, I don't have this number. Who is this?

Jimin: Don't be like that, Tara

Jimin: I hope you like plain old Ramen.

I smiled softly to myself at his refusal to give it up.

Tara: Yes, stranger. I do like Ramen.

I regretted my commitment to his Ramen dinner at approximately 12 pm as I sat on the couch twiddling my thumb and my stomach growled at me in demand for food. A little after, I sighed, thinking maybe their practice had lasted longer than expected. 

I stood up to retire to my bedroom when I heard the front door lock turning, the unease in my stomach returning to dance in knots. I froze in place and watched as the door slowly swung open and in came a tired looking Park Jimin, a white bag of food dangling from his cute little fingers. He looked up at me and nodded, pushing the door behind him and heading straight to the kitchen counter.

I had to remind myself how to walk when he softly beckoned.

"Come, Tara, it's already so late." 

It was the first thing he said when he met my eyes. My anxiousness grew.

I walked gingerly over to the counter, avoiding eye contact while he consciously pulled out two large cups of ramen. The air around us was heavy, and it scared me to think why.

I garnered the courage to look up at him when he turned to fill the cups with hot water. He looked like he needed rest. I gulped. I wish I could protect you.

I wanted to offer help and do the work that needed to be done, but Jimin held out a firm hand that said 'no' when I placed my palms on the marble to pick myself up.

We breathed loudly, our movements in sync with one another sans communication. When Jimin pushed a cup of ramen before me and slid me some kimchi, I cleared my throat and thanked him with a small voice.

Five silent bites into my delayed meal, he began talking.

"So... we need to talk," he said hesitantly.

Oh no. I knew something was off.

I didn't look up at him when I hummed in response, slurping at my noodles.

"WE need to talk, not I. I need you to be a part of this conversation," he said, more firmly now and sat on the other side of the counter.

"I am," I glanced briefly at him.

He waited two moments before sighing and continuing.

"So, Manager Seji definitely found out about us. I was called in to talk to him today," he said.

"Umm hmm," I responded, focused solely on my noodles.

"Geez, Tara," he defeatedly slammed his fist on the table, "at least look at me when I'm talking."

"I don't need to look at you to know what you're about to say," I admitted to him and myself before slurping up another bite of my ramen.

"Still," he pleaded.

I looked up at him and pursed my lips, "go on."

His eyes were pained when he shook his head.

"He said even though technically we're allowed to date... I shouldn't right now. With all these things happening and how busy we are, he said it's best to wait... and that it's also best that PD-nim doesn't find out."

He tore his gaze from mine and continued.

"he said there's hardly time to breathe, there's definitely no time for a relationship. So, we gotta put a hold on this..."

He looked back at me and said, "I'll do something about it, Tara, I'll do something. But for now, we have to wait."

I held his gaze for a moment before nodding and going back to my ramen.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but most importantly, I wanted to hold him and tell him that I would be around him all the time so he didn't have to worry about looking after anything. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that I would bear the weight of our relationship for the both of us. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to look after him. I wanted him.

So, I surprised myself when moments later I said, stoically, "I understand."

"You... you understand?" Jimin repeated, dazed and wide eyed.

"Yeah," I nodded, finishing off my ramen.

"That's it?" he seemed angry now.

"Yes," I answered firmly, feeling my heart falter, "this is your career. It's important. I would never ask you to choose."

He stared at me wide eyed and I stood up abruptly to clear the table, avoiding his gaze so he couldn't see how hard I was trying to dissolve the unwanted tears swimming at the brim of my eyes.

It's okay. I told myself.

I'll handle it.