Written

Chapter 21

HARRY

   Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about her. Fuck, I can't. She's everywhere, she keeps creeping into my head and I can't help but think about her. I get these ideas to be around her, and then I tell myself not to follow through with them because I can't afford to fall for her. Then I do it anyway. Last night I rode with her in one of the black SUVs from Little Rock to New Orleans. I was almost asleep when I felt her slide closer and pull me into her, and from that moment on I knew I was gone. She has me wrapped around her finger and she doesn't even know. This is far enough, I will not allow myself to fall in love with her. It would be bad for both of us, we couldn't afford it to happen. Back on X Factor, Louis and I had had this deep conversation once about girls and about falling in love. He'd told me that there are levels of falling, and that 'falling for someone' was completely different than 'falling in love with someone.' I think back to that conversation often, and sometimes I feel discouraged. Every girl I've ever been with has been someone I've fallen for. I've always been the one to end things because I couldn't say that I was in love with them. Girls freak out when you don't say 'I love you' back. I am terrified of Hayley because for the first time in my life, I can foresee falling in love. I don't know what it is about her. Un-fucking-fortunately, she works with me. So for the first fucking time I feel like I could love someone, I fucking can't.

   A part of me knows that trying to stop it is a lost cause, but I will still try. I've never won a battle with myself. I am too instinctual, too driven. I follow my head and sometimes my head is wrong. Like now, for example, my head is telling me to go knock on Hayley's door. Don't do it, don't do it.

   I do it. I stand up and close my door behind me, making my way down the hall and hoping I don't run into anyone who will make me explain. When I get to her door, I raise my hand to knock, but I hear voices on the other side. Trying not to think of how much of a creep I am, I press my ear to the door. I hear Hayley's laugh and another muffled voice that sounds like... Liam? No, it can't be. She was just telling me that she thinks he hates her. But I'm lying to myself, I know his voice. What the fuck is he doing in her room this late at night, making her laugh?

   I need to calm down. It is only ten o'clock. I try not to overthink it too much. Knowing Hayley the way I already do, she invited him in to try and make amends with him. She would hate a conflict between them. As I lay back down in my own bed, sleep comes over me almost immediately. Before I fall asleep, I wish I was back across Hayley's bed. Or leaning against her in the car, or even sleeping propped up next to her on the couch. Being uncomfortable with her is preferable to being comfortable without her.

   I wake up to a loud knocking on my door. "Harry! Get up, it's noon!" It's Hayley's voice, and I jump across the room to open the door. She looks a little taken aback to see me; I haven't even checked my appearance. I'm guessing I still look half asleep and my hair is probably a mess, but she smiles at me. Her hand reaches up and flattens my hair. Then, as if she just realized what she was doing, she jerks her hand away. This gesture, more than anything else, gives me hope that maybe she's been feeling the same way I have. I catch her wrist and just hold it in my hand for a minute. Her eyes search mine before she pulls away, turning back down the hall to knock on Niall's door. It is her job, after all. I retreat back into my room, starting the shower. This whole relationship is fucking weird, I'm used to girls flirting with me and then flirting back. It seems almost backwards with Hayley, we started out on a deeper level and now I feel like every movement, every word we exchange is heavily weighted. I groan. I can't fucking do this. After I get ready, I wait outside in the hall, the designated meeting spot. We will all go to the venue together, Hayley successfully rounding us all up on time. We're all here except for Liam and Hayley, we wait for two minutes- the two longest fucking minutes of my life- and then they come down the hall together. They are talking and laughing, she even reaches out and touches his arm as she says something quietly to him. Liam throws his head back and laughs, the way he hasn't in such a long time. We all step into the elevator, and I childishly sulk in the corner.