Written

Chapter 46

I wake up in the morning earlier than I've ever woken up on my own. It is just after eight in the morning, and I shoot straight out of bed. I splash cold water on my face to conceal my sleepless night and dash down the hall to Hayley's room.

We both acted out last night, but it was a fight. We'll talk now, I'll apologize and make everything better. She is mad but I can't let her stay mad. It's time I finally take responsibility for my actions. I knock on the door, and to my surprise she opens it right away. To my even greater surprise, she stands back to let me in. Hayley is feisty and I had expected her to put up a fight this morning.

"I'm sorry," I say lamely. I don't know how else to start.

"Me too," Hayley says.

There is a beat of silence and I step towards her, reaching for her hand. She draws away from me.

"Hales," I whisper. Tears fill her eyes as she leans against the hotel wall, as far from me as she could possibly be standing.

"I'm sorry, Harry," she says quietly. "I wasn't just speaking out of anger, I meant what I said." Her tears spill over and I feel my own eyes prickling. This can't be happening.

"Hayley, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry baby, I know you're mad-"

"I'm not mad," she stops me. "I'm not mad anymore, it's fine. Whatever happened is in the past and I can't hold on to that anger anymore."

"So...what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I can't hold onto... anything. Anymore." She breathes.

"Hayley, I love you," my voice comes out pleadingly.

"I'm sorry," she hides her face in her hands. I sink slowly onto the bed as she stands there crying. We stay like that for several minutes. She is trying to calm herself and I am trying to process what just happened. I don't have a grip on myself really, because suddenly I am out her door and back down the hall before I even realize that I have moved.

How did this happen? I know I was stupid but I wasn't stupid enough to earn this. Only then do I realize that I do not get to decide the consequences of my own stupidity. Hayley is punishing me and as long as she refuses to be with me, she will continue punishing me.

I have to get her back.

I don't know how to get her back.

...

Hayley acts completely indifferent towards me the rest of the day. She sits with Zayn in the green room while I perch on the edge of a couch across the room, staring at her while trying not to stare at her. No one else picks up on any awkwardness, probably because they think we are just separating from each other to avoid speculation. How ironic.

I stare at Hayley and Zayn, wishing I could hear their conversation. Hayley looks upset by whatever she is saying. At one point, she puts her hand over face and I fight the urge to go to her. I know she does this when she wants to avoid crying. Zayn slides his arm over her shoulders and holds her close. As much as I want to be the one holding her, instead of jealousy, I feel grateful for Zayn's presence. She deserves to have someone in her life who is not too selfish to comfort her.

Instinctively I know that she is not talking about me. I don't know how, I just know. She wouldn't tell Zayn about it, not yet at least. It was her decision but I know it is hurting her. So if it's not me that has upset her, it has to be Ryan. Unless there is something else she is not telling me. Technically I am not the only one who was hiding things; she buried her emotions and didn't even leave me treasure map to find them.

As I watch, Zayn pulls out his phone and shows something to Hayley. She instantly lights up as she looks at whatever he is showing her, and the two of them scroll and laugh for a while. I don't even bother to avert my eyes; Hayley has not looked at me once.