Written

Chapter 43

HARRY

   The minute I am on the bus and onto the next town, I regret not staying. I could tell that Hayley had needed her space, but the look of distance in her eyes burns so intensely in my mind that I can’t help but worry. Why does this shit have to happen? For once I was finally feeling…happy? It sounds so morbid to say that, I wasn’t unhappy before Hayley. I just had some issues that being with her seems to resolve. I hope she understands what I am asking of her.

   But how fucked up is that? It’s unfair of me to ask her to hide our relationship. I had just explained to her that I wasn’t ashamed of her, and now it’s as if I am being forced to take that back. I don’t want to go back to hiding, but I have little choice. I have no idea how Hayley is feeling right now, what she is thinking.

   I should have stayed. I should have gone with her, stayed with her, reassured her that I love her and that this isn’t me. It’s not me, this person who can’t be around her. I toss and turn in my bunk, unable to get comfortable.

   “Mate, go to sleep,” I hear Louis’ voice from the bunk underneath me.

   “Sorry,” I whisper. After a moment of silence, I hear Louis speak again.

   “You okay?”

   “I don’t know,” I say truthfully.

   “Come on then,” Louis sighs. I hear him shuffling about and climb down from my own bunk, following him into the living area of the bus. The door slides closed behind us and we are plunged into silence, separated from the others. “What’s going on?” Louis asks.

   “Management, they don’t want me to be with Hayley.” I expect an instant uproar from Louis, but he only nods his head, deep in thought.

   “I figured that would happen eventually,” he says. “What did you tell her?”

   “Exactly that. I told her we had to break it off publicly and then go back to being a secret.”

   “Oh no,” Louis says. “She didn’t take that well, did she?”

   “Erm…I don’t really know. She’s back at the hotel.”

   “You left?”

   “She needed space, I thought I should give it to her!” I defend myself.

   “Harry, she needs you more than she needs space. God, you’re thick sometimes. Don’t you see how much that girl loves you? How much of herself she pours into you every day? We all see something special in her, Harry, but you’re the one she chooses to bestow that upon.”

   “What do I do?” I moan. I have reached my maximum capacity of decision making.

   “That’s all on you, mate, but be careful. Don’t break her heart, don’t hurt her any more than she is already hurting.”

   “She’s hurting?” I ask. I know that Hayley and Louis shut themselves away together and that they are very close, but I didn’t pick up on anything out of the ordinary in her behavior.

   “Of course, Harry, she’s always hurting. Her brother is only getting worse and she’s not there to help him or to spend time with him. It kills her, every day. It kills her.” Louis puts his hand on my knee.

   “She didn’t tell me,” I whisper. Why would she not tell me?

   “Ah, I thought maybe she hadn’t,” Louis muses.

   “Why didn’t she tell me?”

   “I think- and I might be completely wrong here, Harry, it’s just guesswork at this point, but- I think she thinks you’ve got enough on your plate. She does that thing where she tries to be strong but it was building up pressure on her and she was about to collapse.”