Written

Chapter 13

My back falls against the door after Harry leaves. I double check the lock before flopping down face first onto the uncomfortable hotel bed. What just happened? My mind will not calm down. I can feel my heart rate steadily increasing every time I think of Harry's face so close to mine.
What was that?
The atmosphere had changed so quickly, so drastically. We were laughing, joking. I could feel us settling into an easy friendship. And the next moment I was crying. Harry probably thought I was insane, switching moods so fast. Then again, his understanding was surprising. The only person who's ever held me like that is Ryan, but somehow Harry knew exactly where to place his hands and how, if we sat at a certain angle, he could rest his chin on top of my head. My body shudders at the memory of physical contact. I hadn't felt that safe, that secure in a long time. And as far as the emotion goes, it had been a long day. A long week, really. Today I had made a life-altering decision, and like Harry said, I am allowed to be scared. I fall asleep trying to analyze his expression as his lips barely touched mine. I never reach a conclusion.

HARRY

What did I just do? Why did I kiss her? Was that even a kiss? No. But yes. No use lying to myself, it was a kiss.
Stupid, I am stupid. She didn't need that, I think as I am driving back to my own hotel. She just looked so afraid, so vulnerable. So you kiss her? Strike when she can't fight back? Idiot, idiot! I can't escape my chastising inner monologue. I really shouldn't have done it, it wasn't fair. I don't know her well, and she was too vulnerable. But I wasn't trying to take advantage of her, I just got caught in the moment. She is captivating, and she doesn't realize it. The way she just broke down in front of me, I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to her, physically and emotionally. I know what it's like to uproot and become a part of this life, it is not easy. I didn't have anyone around to comfort me, either. That's all I was doing.
But there was something there, something about the way her head rested on my neck. Something about the way that she relaxed into me immediately, as if she'd been held that way before. Something about her willingness to cry, to be so emotionally open to someone she barely knew. Reflexively, I worry about her. She is too trusting, too kind. This business might break her, and I couldn't bear to let that happen. Why do you care? I just do. I don't know. She is...cool, for lack of a better word. I've never sat with a girl at 2 a.m. and ate an entire pizza while talking about life. That's the kind of shit that happens in romantic comedies, and I've never been a fan of those.
I can't really afford to like her. It's been a while since my last relationship, but that didn't even seem real. Taylor was a nice girl but everything between us had felt so forced. We had interest in each other's personalities but later found that neither of us could bring out the other's personality. With Hayley, I can already tell that she brings out my personality without even trying.

But I can't date her. Even if Paul would allow it, which he wouldn't, I couldn't do that to her. Relationships end. Always. I don't want to put her in that position, I don't want to compromise her job. Her brand new job. It wouldn't be fair. Plus, this girl has the potential to break my heart. Like really break it. Selfishly, I won't let that happen. Staying away from her would be best for both of us. But the question is... can I?

I wake up late the next day. It's as if I have permanent jet-lag, effective even when I'm not moving time zones. It is past ten, and I sneak past security again. Paul orders a fleet of rental cars for anyone who wants to use them in each city, well anyone except for any of us. No one stops me though, some sort of unspoken agreement. They will pretend like they didn't see me leave.
I drive back to Hayley's tiny motel, hoping she hasn't left yet. I have no idea what I will say, I should have thought this through first. I park the car in front of the peeling yellow door, the door which conceals a room with a secret. Is Hayley behind it?

I knock softly, but there is no answer. My ear presses against the door, listening for her. "Hayley?" I call. My knocking turns to pounding, but she does not come to the door. Cowardly relief floods through me when I realize that I won't have to face her. Well, not her so much as the small mess we've created. I lean back against the door and let out a breath, closing my eyes.

"Harry?" My eyes fly open at the sound of her voice. She is standing in front of me, clutching car keys in one hand.

"Hey," I say.

"Hi," she says. It's awkward. Things are awkward between us now and probably will always be. Great.

"I just came to see if you're...if we're..." I can't make the words into a question because I don't even know what I'm asking her. I have never in my life been less smooth with a woman. "Are we okay?" I finally ask. I hate the way it came out, that's the kind of question couples ask each other when they've had an enormous argument, one that could be make or break.

"We're fine," she says slowly. She is eyeing me cautiously, like she's afraid I might go crazy in front of her eyes.

"I just thought, since...I didn't mean to..." why can't I speak?

"It's okay, Harry." Her tone is so reassuring that I feel a child who has done wrong. She reaches out and her fingers grasp my arm, making me look at her. She smiles. "I would invite you in, but I just checked out. I was about to head home."

"Oh. When are you coming back? To the tour, I mean. Officially."

"I've got one week to get everything together, then I'll fly to St. Louis. I'm excited," her eyes spark with excitement and there is no trace of the terrified girl I held yesterday. Sometimes the night does that to people, like the darkness outside brings out the darkness within.

I can't help the smile on my face. "I'm glad. You're going to be great, Hales. Hayley," I correct myself.

"You can call me Hales," she laughs. "Everyone does."

"Everyone?"

"Well, actually, not everyone. Just the people close enough."

"Am I close enough?" I ask. I shouldn't push her, shouldn't try to get on any level of emotion with her, especially with what happened last night.

"I think you are," she says. "We're friends, right? I mean..." She looks like she's about to say something else, but she decides against it. I'm not having that.

"Please say whatever it was you were going to say, so I don't feel like an idiot here." My voice is so desperate, so fucking pathetic. She laughs.

"I guess...we're friends, but it seems like you know me better than that already. Like we get each other." Her expression is a little confused.

"Yeah," I agree with her. "What do we do about that?" She laughs.

"That's what friends are, right? People who get each other? I don't know, Harry. You're great. I would like to be friends with you."

"Then we're friends." Even as the words come out of my mouth, I know they are untrue. I've never been so distracted by someone before.

"I better get going," Hayley gestures towards the car behind her. "Long drive."

"Yeah, um. Okay. Well drive safe." Awkward. I am awkward. She tries to conceal her smile as she thanks me. Her body leans forward and it's as if a natural pull brings me to her. We hug like friends would. Only slightly longer. Worry floods through me at the thought of this fragile girl with understanding eyes driving alone.

"Thanks, Harry." She whispers against my chest. Her voice, her arms around my waist serve as a shock to my nervous system. I go against every rule and boundary that I just set for myself as I lean down and press my lips to her forehead.
Our eyes lock again, green to hazel. Her expression shows me that she knows exactly what I know: However we end up, we will never be just friends.
But if Hayley Reid gets too close, I might ruin her. The way I seem to ruin everything and everyone else that crosses my path. I barely know this girl, but I already care too much to let her destroy herself over me.