Written

Chapter 33

I stand outside Hayley's door for a few moments, considering my options. I could keep knocking on the door until I fall asleep outside of her room. Or I could go to my own room and give her her space, give her some time to cool down. That's what she wants me to do. Sighing, I turn away. I am halfway back down the hall when I realize that I don't give a fuck what she wants me to do. Not right now. If I do what she wants me to do, I may never have her again, not the way I've had her. I need to go back now and pound on her door, demand that she let me in. I do not harbor any false hope that she might fall into my arms, and she sure as hell will not forgive me easily. But I can't just walk away from her. Not now, not ever.

I turn on my heel and find myself banging on her door. She ignores me, I knew she would. "Open the door, Hayley," I call. "I'm not leaving. Open the door or I will stand here all night, I don't care if I wake up the whole damn hotel." I knock again and hear nothing. For a moment I fear that she has left again without telling me, but the door swings open in the middle of my hammering. Hayley stands there in that same old t-shirt that she always wears to bed. She has obviously been crying.

"What do you want?" Hatred colors her tone and I flinch.

"Let me talk to you, Hayley. And if you don't want to listen then you can talk and I will listen. Just please, please don't shut me out like this. I can't take it." To my surprise, she steps back and lets me in. She doesn't speak, so I take it as my cue to begin.

"I'm sorry," I stop as soon as she rolls her eyes. That's good though, I am getting some kind of response out of her. "I am, Hales. I shouldn't have kissed her."

"You think I'm mad because you kissed her?" Hayley asks, incredulous.

"You're not?" I ask.

"Well Hell yeah I am," she almost yells. "But that's not why I'm so pissed Harry!" What the hell? Women are so confusing.

"Why are you pissed then?" I dare to ask.

"Are you kidding me?" She is still looking at me in utter disbelief, arms crossed over her chest.

"No?" I say, clearly unsure.

"Harry!" She is so pissed, her arms fly up in the air. "Harry. You were dating both of us! It doesn't matter that it didn't mean anything to you, it clearly meant something to her and you should have set her straight. You made me look and feel like an idiot Harry, your secret little girlfriend that sits at home while you go flaunt the better one around." Her eyes are glassy.

"It's not like that, Hayley. I don't love her, I never did. I never could."

"Well you sure as hell don't love me either, Harry. You don't do that to people you love."

"I do love you," I tell her. She takes a step back as I take a step forward. "Hayley please, you know I love you."

"No, Harry," she whispers. "I don't think you even know what love is." I am hurt and her words piss me off. She thinks she understands everything, but she doesn't. She doesn't get it.

"And you do?" I ask her. "Do you really know what love is, Hayley? Because if you did we probably wouldn't be having this conversation."

"What are you even saying?" She asks. She is mad.

"I'm saying that you don't understand! If you loved me then you wouldn't care that I have to have this fake relationship. If you loved me, it wouldn't matter!"

"Don't you ever tell me that I don't understand!" Hayley is yelling now. "You're the one who doesn't understand Harry! You can't play people like that! Both of us thought we were dating you, we both probably loved you! Do you understand now? She was supposed to be the fake relationship, Harry, but I guess we both were." Hayley went from angry to defeated in about two seconds. What? What is she talking about? Her head falls into her hands. "I am so stupid," she murmurs into her hands. And then I do understand. Hayley thinks that because of Maria's feelings, our relationship was just as fake to me as the P.R. one.

"Hayley, don't say that," I breathe. She tries to push me away when I step closer, but I close my arms around her and she stops fighting. She is crying. "Don't ever think that, okay? What we have is not fake."

"That's probably what Maria thought," Hayley cries. "That's probably what you told her, too."

"I didn't tell her shit," I say. "Do you really think of me that way?" My heart breaks a little when Hayley nods her head. Yes, she does think of me that way. And I don't really blame her. "I'm sorry," I whisper. She just nods her head again.

"Harry?" She whispers.

"Hmm?" I say.

"I don't think I can do this." What? No. She's not saying this.

"Do what?" I begin to panic.

"This. Be with you. Not while you're still with her, not while you're dating other people, even if it's fake. I'm sorry. I thought I could handle it but I'm always going to see it as something more."

"Hayley, you're mad, I get it, but-" She cuts me off.

"I'm not mad Harry. Well I am, but that's not why I'm saying this. I haven't been in love for a long time and I forgot how bad it hurts when it stops. I care a lot about you, but you're with Maria right now." I almost interrupt her, but she silences me with her hands. "I know it's not real to you," she says. "But it's real to everyone else." I cannot believe what she's saying.

"But you love me," I tell her. I sound so fucking pathetic.

"Yeah," her voice is thick. "Yeah, I do Harry. But you have choices and you haven't chosen me."

"I'll choose you now," I whisper. "I'm choosing you right now, Hayley." I can't bear the thought of walking out of her door. She is shaking her head.

"I need you to go, Harry," she says. "I just need some time alone, okay?"

I reach for her again and pull her back into my arms. "I love you, Hayley. I'm sorry."

"I know," she says. Then she pushes me away from her and I walk out the door. She closes it behind me and I hear her softly crying. I tap my knuckles softly against the door again. It opens. I look down at Hayley's beautiful, tear-stained face.

"I will choose you and I will never stop choosing you, if you let me," I tell her. I can't walk away and let her think without knowing this. "I love you, Hayley, and you don't think I've chosen you, but I wake up and I choose you every single day." She looks a little dumbfounded. She slowly nods her head and I let her close the door again before knocking one more time. She opens it again, and before she can push me away I pull her in for a kiss. It is such a relief, her lips against mine. For a moment I was sure I might never feel that again. It is purely instinctual, the way our bodies move so fluidly against each other. To my intense relief, Hayley kisses me back. We pull apart too soon, and for just a moment her hand rests on my cheek. I close my eyes and lean my head into her palm before she pulls it away. We stare at each other for a minute before I use my thumb to catch one more tear that falls from her eye. "I love you," I whisper before turning around.

I want to stay with her, to make her let me stay in her room. I'll sleep on the floor, the couch, hell, even the bathroom floor if she lets me. And I know that if I pressed hard enough, she would let me. But I want her to make that decision on her own. If she needs time, I will give her time. I want her to choose me, too.