Written

Chapter 26

HAYLEY

    I wake up early on Monday morning and push Harry’s heavy body off of me. He looks so young, so tender in his sleep. I can’t bear to wake him, so I go around the apartment myself collecting our various possessions. I don’t want to face the harsh reality of our situation, but I today I will have to. Harry and I are not together, at least not in any official way. And there is no easy way for that to ever happen, but I know we cannot let each other go. Or at least, I know I could never let him go, not now. My chest aches at the thought of not being able to kiss him whenever I want to, if he even wants me to kiss him at all. I am folding Harry’s clothes when he saunters into the room, sleepily rubbing his eyes. I cross over to him and wrap my arms around his torso, unable to stop myself. I need to be close to him while I still can, but I am afraid of what he will say. Wordlessly, he hugs me back. With my face pressed to his bare chest, it is the hardest hug I’ve ever let go of.

   Harry’s green eyes search mine as we pull apart. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “We’ll be okay, Hales.”

   “What are we going to do?” I wasn’t going to ask but I can’t help the words falling from my lips.

   “I don’t know,” Harry admits, running his hand over his hair. “What do you want to do?”

   “What do you want to do?” I ask him.

   “I don’t want to stop doing whatever it is that we’re doing,” he says.

   “I don’t either,” I tell him cautiously.

   “What…um,” he pauses. “What exactly are we doing?”

   “I was hoping you could tell me,” I say, avoiding eye contact. “I mean, is this just fun to you?” I don’t say it accusingly and I don’t let it show that this is my deepest fear.

   “No! God, Hayley, no, that’s not what it is to me,” he reaches for me and bends down so we are eye to eye. “Look at me,” he commands softly. When I don’t his fingers tilt the bottom of my chin so that green meet hazel once more. “I care so deeply for you,” he says to me. “I don’t want to let you go.” The emotion stuns me and I can’t speak. I just nod and throw my arms around his neck. He hugs me close to him and we stand like that for an immeasurable amount of time. Neither of us wants to be the first to let go, because neither of us knows how long it will be until we can hold each other again. This is complicated and it has barely even started.

   “We’re going to miss our flight,” I eventually say. Harry sighs and releases my waist, but pulls my face in for one last kiss. It is soft and sweet, but in it is the taste of a goodbye that neither of us hopes to say.

HARRY

   The second that we step out of Hayley’s apartment, I know that I cannot touch her. The second we are spotted there will be twenty cameras on us at any given moment, they will see every move we make. I cannot stand too close to her, I cannot smile at her too widely or even look at her too long. I try my best to explain it to her, and she understands. That doesn’t make it any easier. Again, Paul pulled strings so we don’t even have to go into the airport; we are escorted straight onto the tarmac and into the plane. We fly first class, but it is not private. People boarding the plane stop and ask for pictures, which I happily oblige to. Hayley tries to act like she isn’t paying attention but I can see her smiling as she looks away.

   “What are you laughing at?” I ask her under my breath.

   “Nothing, you’re just really good at it,” she says.

   “Good at what?”

   “I don’t know, being famous?” She shrugs.

We barely speak for the rest of the flight to L.A., which is excruciatingly long. I had told Hayley not to interact too much with me in front of strangers, but I feel she is taking it to a whole other level as she puts in her headphones and watches three movies back to back.

   “Are you okay?” I whisper to her as she finishes the third. She looks confused.

   “Yeah? I’m fine.”

   As we get off the plane and make our way across the tarmac to the black SUV waiting for us, we are blinded by camera flashes.

   “Just look down!” I shout to Hayley as she shields her face, walking behind me. I want nothing more than to take her hand to reassure and guide her; this experience is bizarre and unfamiliar to her. But I know that the moment I ouch her, the floodgates will open. It is painful for both of us, pretending not to care. Hayley breathes a sigh of relief as I slam the car door closed. Her body slumps against the seat and she closes her eyes. I take her hand on the seat, hoping she is not mad or hurt. Her eyes slowly open and she searches my face. I want so badly to apologize to her, to tell her how sorry I am for having to hide her. It is for her own good, but it’s so hard to believe that when it is being said to you. I rest my hand on the side of her face and she silently leans her head into my palm. We say nothing, there is a driver in the car who could overhear us. But this is enough.

   We get to the hotel and when we make it up to the designated floor, the elevator doors open and a soccer ball comes flying into the elevator. It narrowly misses Hayley; she ducks a shrieks, letting out a peal of laughter that sounds like music to my ears. Louis comes running into view, followed by Niall.

   “Wicked!” Niall shouts. I just shake my head at them, laughing. Hayley throws the ball back to Louis.

   “Do you play?” He asks her.

   “I never have,” she says.

   “Do you want to?” Louis asks, a sparkle in his eye. I can tell that Hayley is tired and I expect her to say no. But of course, she surprises me.

   “Yes,” she says, the glint in her eye matching Louis’.

   For the next hour I sit against the wall as Hayley runs around the hallway barefoot with Louis and Niall. I pass up on their countless offers to join in; I would rather watch. At one point, Niall is showing Hayley how to strategically place her foot for maximum impact. Louis slides down the wall to sit next to me, giving me a knowing smile. Shit, I’ve never been able to hide anything from him.

   “Don’t say a word,” I warn him.

   “I wasn’t going to say anything,” he says smugly, even though he clearly was. “How was your weekend?”

   “It was fine,” I say shortly.

   “Mhmmmmm,” Louis hums, chuckling. I roll my eyes and elbow him in the ribs.

   “Shut up,” I mumble. Louis knows me better than anyone else, and he knows that I will tell him when I’m ready to talk about it. I am continually thankful for his friendship. Now, just like always, he doesn’t push the subject.

   Hayley finally calls Niall off and claims that she will pass out if she doesn’t sleep soon. She gives both me and Louis a small wave and wishes all three of us goodnight before retreating down the hall to her room.

   “Harry?” Louis says quietly.

   “Yeah?”

   “She’s really great.”

   “I know.”

   “Don’t fuck this one up.”

   “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I stand up to go, leaving Louis and his condescending ass behind. He knows everything.