Stuck Inside Four Walls

Chapter forty three

As I lay on my back in the grass field, I refelct on the life I had. The good, the bad, the amazing and the dreadful. Although if I had the chance, I would change none of it.

After recieveing the inevitable news, I accepted what was to come.

Flashback

I wake to the blood coming up my throat. It's deja-vu.

I attempt to run to the bathroom, but the many IV's restrain me. Everything I had consumed along with tons of blood is spilled and many nurses are soon rushing in. They check my blood pressure and many other things but I can't keep track of any of them. Harry is now awoken and has a terrified look plastered on his face. He is attempting to comfort me but I'm loosing conciousness. They reconnect all the cords and lay me back down to attempt to bring it back to normal.

They are speaking, but I can't hear them. Is this what dying is? I don't know. I begin to panic but it all turns black.

I awake to be greeted by Dr. Smith's face.

"Blood loss." She answers my question before I can ask it.

''I think last night may have over done it for you. I don't know how to break it to you, but I think you can handle it." I know exactly what she's going to say so I just nod. As I do, I see Harry sitting on my right.

"It's the end of the road. Now I don't know the exact time, but it will be soon. I am terribly sorry. I never wanted to have to tell you this. Just know this, I want you to enjoy every last moment to the fullest. Whatever I can do, I'll give you a day out if you need it or whatever you need. Don't hesitate." She smiles weakley and rubs my arm comfortingly.

"Now I'm not going to waste any more of your time. You're free to go." She dismisses us as Harry helps me into my reoccurring friend, the wheelchair.

I am now too weak to walk on my own, so this is how I will be spending my last days, either that or being carried or guided everywhere. The whole way back to the room is spent in silence, not necessarily uncomfortable silence, but more of an anxious silence of who is going to speak first.

As soon as Harry opens the door and help me onto the bed he breaks down. Exasperated sobs fill the room as he wraps himself up in me.

"I tried. I really tried. But I failed." he breathes out in between sobs. This is the most heartbreaking feeling. Worse than how I just felt when she told me. To hold someone who you love so much and have them hating themselves is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world.

"You didn't fail me, Harry. There is no way in hell that you failed me." I reassure him but he just shakes his head into my shoulder.

Flashback over

After we both let out emotions free, we decide to spend our last bit of time together more positively.

So, here we are, lying in a field staring up at the stars. I have no idea what time it is, neither do I care. All I care about in this moment is enjoying myslef, well as much as I can.

"How does it feel?" Harry asks. I know what he's talking about. I also know he doesn't want to say what he's talking about.

"I don't know how to describe it. I guess restrained is the best explaination. Someone is constantly you to 'be careful' or 'you can't do this it might hurt you'. It is conflicting really because you know you're going to feel better once it's over, but getting to that point is going to ruin you." He continues to look up at the sky.

"But in this very moment, right now is what matters. Not tomorrow, not the next day, or the one after that because we don't even know if there will be a tomorrow. So whatever we always wanted to do, let's do it now." I suggest and his eyes meet mine.

"Like what? What's on your list?" he asks and I think.

"I don't think I have a list. Actually, you know what. I made a list with my parents right before they died, I think it's still at our cabin. I remember making it and hiding it in the little island across from it." I explain and he jumps up and reaches his hand down for me.

"What are we doing?" I laugh and grab his hand and brush the grass off me.

"Finding that list and completing it." he sounds so determined and it makes me giggle at his cuteness as we walk to the car and start driving.

I show him where to go as we make our way to the cabin. I end up falling asleep for a few hours, considering it was 3 in the morning. When I wake up, we are in the very familiar dirt road leading to my cottage I visited every summer as a child. Now that I think of it, I can't remember the last time I visited here since my parents passing. I know that they left the cottage in my name, but I was 9 so I wasn't going to come here alone and it brought back too many memories back for Carol, so we didn't bother.

"Here we are." Harry announces as he ejects the keys from the ignition and exits the car to come help me out. We make our way to the front door slowly as I take in all the site saround me. The overgrown grass, the marks the different levels of tide have made on our beach, the way the leaves have piled upon the front step, yet everything seems to make it all more beautiful. 

"Shit, do you have a key?" Harry asks flustered. I guess we didn't really think of that part. But now that I think of it, we always hid one because dad would always forget it. The amount of times we had to break a window is astonishing.

"Here, help me up." I reach out my arms and I laugh.

"Up where?" His eyebrows wrinkle in confusion. I point up to the awning over the porch steps where there is one little slot where the key is hidden. He gently puts me on his shoulders and I reach up and grab the now rusted key. I enter it in the door and am greeted with multiple spider webs and an outrageously cold floor, yet surprisingly  it's one of the most comfoting feeling I've felt in a while.

"Alright let's find that list and get started" We grab hands and start our hunt.