Growing pains | a hannie fan fiction |

two

                           ☞ quote of the day ☜

                Perhaps I don't deserve nice things,
                       cause I am paying for sins
                              I don't remember.

                                    -  rapi kaur

                                            • • •

" breaking down "

                        ✎ Ⓐ n n i e l e b l a n c ✐

I drew a bath for myself in the dim light, as I slowly slipped myself in the warm water as it sent shivers down my spine.

I sat blankly staring at an empty bottle of bubble bath, as I kicked it with my foot, knocking into the bath.

As it floated up to my face, I took a breath out as it streamed down the water to hit the edge of the hollow tub wall.

I rolled to my side blankly.

My anxiety, my depression, my anger, fear.

I drew a blank on emotions.

As I had cried so much, I didn't know if i had any tears left.

I just sat there, as my heart paced In sheer panic.

I think a lot about how I can't remember the last time I smiled.

Or, the last time I was around anyone except my family.

Or, how I spent countless hours shaking or breaking down.

Or, how empty I felt most all of the time.

God, I'm so scared of my thoughts one day taking over my actions.

As those thoughts filled my mind yet again tonight.

I drained the tub and slid out onto the floor.

As I broke down.

I laid on the cold floor at 8:46 pm, crying uncontrollably "what more can I do?" I whispered to myself as my muscles tensed and cramped.

I rolled to my side laying my head down with tears dropping on the hollow wooden floors, but I told myself to get up and figure out a plan, I need to get out of here tonight. To save me and Hayley.

As I got dressed and grabbed a jacket for the cold weather awaiting outside the warm house, as my feet knocked down the quiet hallways to reach Hayley's door as I knocked "come in." She said as I turned the knob to see her laying on the edge of her bed staring at the white ceiling.

"I'm guessing your feeling how I'm feeling." I said walking over to sit next to her "yeah." She sighed.

"let's go on a walk." I said as she sat up.

"Why would we do that?" She said raising an eyebrow.

"we can go get coffee and talk." I said as she raised her eyebrows and turning to the clock.

"Annie, it's 9:15." She said pointing at her clock on her night stand.

"well let's get pink drinks." I said as I stood up.

"remember when hayd-" she tried to finish.

"yes, I do remember now let's go." I said cutting her off.

I thought much about Hayden but he seems to have forgotten about me as I haven't seen him in 6 years, I grabbed Hayley's hand as she got a coat and we tiptoed through the house and creeped out the door.

We walked down the frozen streets and reached a Starbucks closest to our home, me and Hayley opened up the doors to a wave of warmth blowing over us as we both breathed out in comfort.

As I sat across from Hayley near a window with a perfect view of what some people call a beautiful winter wonderland, me? Well I miss hot L.A. weather but I haven't seen L.A. I'm so long, I looked at Hayley as she shot a look at me "so?" She said leaning in "so what?" I said sipping my drink.

"What's on your mind?" Hayley asked.

"What are we going to do?" I asked her, sorrowful.

"about mom and dad?" She asked.

"Hayley I just don't know at this point." I replied sighing.

"me either, I'm miserable and believe me I can tell you are too."She said looking sadly.

"your the only one I've told about Luke." I said as she nodded.

"he's awful." She said madly.

"he's been horrible to me lately." I said choking up on my words.

"he won't leave you alone, will he?" She asked as I nodded no.

"Annie, I don't know how long we can both stay here." She said as my eyes opened wide.

"what do you mean?" I said raising a brow.

"maybe we move out." She said slowly as I sat back and really thought about her choice of plan, Hayley always acted older and was smarter than I could even imagine she was the only Person I could trust in my family. 

"I mean dad  and mom get more alcoholic daily and we never even see them, I think we just need to go even if it's for a bit." She finished

"where would we go?" I asked.

"that's what I don't know." She said sitting back scratching her head.

                                         • • •